Q & A Wednesday: Why do men disappear?

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, online dating after 40, single women over 40 | 0 comments

Dear Sandy,

Last week, I started an email exchange with a new guy I met online. After three emails, he asked if we could talk on the phone. There was a lot of flirting in the emails, and the anticipation was building with a lot of heat! Our first phone call was great. We Skyped that night and both agreed that we liked what we saw and wanted to meet. We set a date for the following Saturday night. We exchanged some fun and flirtatious texts during the day, and I couldn’t wait to meet him. After two months of first dates that went nowhere, this was finally a guy I could be hopeful about!

Well, Friday afternoon, he canceled the date because of his kids’ schedules. I was sad, but as a single mom, I understood. He promised that he wanted to reschedule and meet me the following week.

He called me late Friday afternoon and the phone call was awkward. I could barely hear him, because he called from a noisy bus.

At one point, I told him something that made him get all weird on me. I said that I knew his neighbor, and she had called that morning. I said that I had told her that a cool guy had moved in across the street from her, and that I was looking forward to meeting him.

He said that I hadn’t even met him yet, why would I be telling his neighbor about him? He got really quiet and withdrawn and told me that he didn’t want people in the neighborhood talking about him. I told him that my friend was wonderful and not a gossip. I had thought it was a nice gesture, a friendly thing to do, but he took it out of context.

Well, he never called me again.

What did I do wrong? Why did he disappear?

Should I call him? Text him and explain what happened? I really liked this guy.



Dear Karen,

Argh!! Men can be so exasperating! Finally, a guy with potential and he disappears. It happens all the time. Women do it, too, but men do it more often.

Why did he disappear? While I don’t know this guy, I do know that you can speculate all kinds of reasons for him disappearing. Maybe he met someone new? Maybe he had a traumatic experience with gossip and you triggered something in him that made him want to run away from you.

Maybe he’s a psychopath and he’s got something to hide, so he’s keeping a low profile and you almost blew his cover.

The point is, does it really matter why he disappeared? No.

Do I think you did something to cause him to disappear? Probably not. Doesn’t seem that way to me.

Seems like this was his issue. But, like I said, it doesn’t matter why he disappeared.

What’s important is that you don’t take it personally. A guy who takes a small issue and blows it out of proportion without discussing it with you? He’s not your guy.

A man who came on so strong for a few days and then disappeared after one phone exchange? Would you feel like you were walking on eggshells in a relationship with him? Then he’s not your guy.

As far as I’m concerned, you dodged a bullet. You should definitely not call or text him.

And use the magic four letter word of dating: NEXT!

There will be a great guy for you. Just put a smile on your face and keep on dating. He’ll come into your life. And you’ll forget all about Mr. Disappearing Dude!

Happy dating,




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