Q & A Wednesdays: Do all men like bitches and drama?

Posted by in dating after divorce, online dating after 40, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

Dear Sandy,

I’m so frustrated. Met someone around Christmas. One date was better than the next. Once we took it to the next level…it was magical. He freaked out & within a few days stopped all communication. Then resurfaced to tell me it was the best 2 days of his life. Then the next day he freaked out. By the end of the week, he was back again. Made me dinner, affectionate, attentive, apologetic. Then nothing. No word till I got an email saying the woman he was dating for 4 years (dating????) resurfaced & her son is having issues with their separation & he doesn’t know what he wants (ya think?) & yada yada yada. It’s him not me (no kidding!!!). Funny he had nothing nice to say about this woman & how his kids didn’t like her & how selfish she was. I’m beginning to think men just like bitches & drama. When everything is too good, they freak out & can’t handle it. Help!

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I hear how frustrating this guy was. Here’s my unbiased take on it, based on what you wrote.

Summary of your story: you met an interesting, sexy guy. Very exciting! Sex is great. He left, he came back. You took him back. He left, he came back, you took him back again. Poof, he went back to the ex he didn’t really love and complained about.

My interpretation: You got intimate before monogamy and a true relationship was established. You then had expectations of him. He freaked out because he’s an emotionally immature guy who doesn’t know what he wants. Okay, he does know that he wants sex with you. You kept taking him back, which put you into a disempowered place without firm standards for how men should treat you. And then he walked all over you.

Where’s YOUR bottom line, Stephanie?

Your conclusion is incorrect. While some men are wimps and immature and will go back to a forceful bitchy woman, no quality men I know prefer drama. In fact, most men HATE drama and bitches.

Healthy men who want real relationships want women who are nurturing, loving, kind, and have good self-esteem. Drama-free is a plus.

Here’s what your conclusion should have been: I need to have clear standards about how soon I get intimate with a man. I need to take my time and get to know a guy, and understand that he cares about me before I give it up for him. I need to watch his actions, not listen to his words. Then, if he treats me poorly, I don’t take him back. I walk away.

I will repeat something I wrote in my blog yesterday about co-dependent relationships. I think this will hit home for you, Stephanie:

” The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.”

You were holding onto a jerk and fantasizing about how great he is, just to avoid the feeling of abandonment.

I encourage you to enter your next relationship with eyes wide open and legs shut! Take your time. Learn to say no. Teach the next man to treat you with respect by showing him your clear boundaries. 

xoxo

Sandy

 

 

 

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