Q & A Wednesdays: My Ex Wants Me Back!

Posted by in dating after divorce, love after 40, online dating after 40, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

Dear Sandy,

A few weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. Since my divorce, I’ve prided myself on dating guys who were the opposite of my husband; kind, very bright, fun to be with, easy to talk to, and with great character (ie., not narcissists). And then I fell for a player. ‘George’ was exciting. There was an immediate meeting of the minds. We connected deeply in many ways. But he was emotionally unavailable for a relationship, and his integrity, as time revealed, was not aligned with mine. He was very self-centered, and I couldn’t be with him any longer. So, I cut off all ties. A few days ago, he called. He said he missed me. He missed my body. He wanted to meet me again. I said no. But the truth is that I miss him, too. It’s been hard to be away from him after having him in my life for so many months. I know in my heart that he’s bad for me, but we had such a great phone conversation, and I remembered all the things about him that I had fallen for. Please help me figure out whether to reconnect with him or not. 

Thank you,

Eva

Dear Eva,

Ah, the allure of the player, the toxic bad boy, the man who will break hearts over and over again!

Eva, I understand how enticing it can be to want to be back in the arms of George again. You’re remembering all the good in the relationship, and I’m sure there was a lot of that or you wouldn’t have stayed with him as long as you did.

You also sound like a smart woman, and I’m glad you reached out for help before jumping back into George’s arms.

Because that would be a huge mistake. 

George sounds like a guy who would only break your heart. He doesn’t want what you want ~ a healthy, loving relationship. He is not capable of that level of commitment and honor.

When you feel the urge to call him, email or text and reconnect, STOP.

Do this instead:

1. Make a list of the hurt. Memory is a tricky thing. It can obliterate the pain, and leave you with only the good memories. But there were hurtful things about George that led to the breakup. Write them down while they are still fresh in your mind. Put the list somewhere visible so you won’t lapse into doing something you’ll regret.

2. Unfriend, block, disconnect. If you’re Facebook friends, unfriend him. If he’s on an online dating site you subscribe to, block him from your search. You need to protect yourself from seeing him or stalking him.

3. Get busy. The busier you are, the less time you’ll have to think about George. Find things you love to do, perhaps even things you might have given up during your relationship. Do them because they make you happy.

4. Connect with loved ones. This is the time to seek out the support of family and friends who care about you. They love you. They will make you laugh. Go out with your girlfriends and have fun. This will take your mind off of George and connect you with people who matter to you.

5. Get out and date again! Go online and meet new men. Send a few emails a day to men who look interesting. Ask your friends to fix you up. Be open to possibility. There are great men out there. Learn from your experience with George, and seek out men who have strong integrity, something that George lacked.

You will find true love. Just stay in the game, don’t give up, and follow the steps above in order to keep from reconnecting to toxic player bad boy George.

He’s out there. George was just a detour! Get back on course and you’ll find him sooner than you think.

xoxo

Sandy

 

 

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