Radio Podcast with E Health Radio
Last week, I was interviewed by Eric Michaels of E Health Radio, on the topic of my date coaching practice. Following is an excerpt from the podcast, and the audio file if you would rather listen to the interview. Thank you, Eric, for a wonderful interview!
Eric Michaels: Tell us briefly what inspired the “Last First Date.”
Sandy Weiner: Well, I am about 3 years post divorced. I was married for 23 years, and as I began dating again for the first time in 25 years, I realized I was a whole lot better at it – probably because of my life coach training and my communication skills training. As I started dating, my friends looked to me for advice, and I started helping them write their online profiles. I noticed that in a lot of online profile essays, in the ‘ideal first date’ section, people were writing ‘I hope that my first date is my last first date’ – and it just struck as a good name for this new business that I was forming. I switched my life coach career to become a dating coach.
Eric Michaels: Why are you called the ‘man whisperer’?
Sandy Weiner: That is a funny name that somebody dubbed on me. I seem to have a natural ability to understand men and I am not quite sure why. I think part of it is, I think I have always been sort of a tomboy – very strait forward, I think like a guy in a lot of ways and I was able to really understand how to communicate better to men. So this client of mine said to me you are a “man whisperer” – you really get it, you really know how, in a behind the scenes way, to respond to men when they say certain things. Men tend to say things that are pretty up front. Women tend to over-analyze and say ‘they must mean something else’. I think men say what they mean more often than not.
Eric Michaels: How do you not get weary of dating when it feels that the effort doesn’t seem to develop into a promising long-lasting relationship?
Sandy Weiner: I think dating is a sifting process. You are not looking for every man out there, you are looking for somebody really specific who is going to be a good match for you. So I would say, don’t give up hope, just think of it as, if you have to meet 100 guys in order to find the right one, then you might be up to number 99 and you might be pulling your hair out – but number 100 could be around the corner. So keep at it! You might need more skills, you might need some more coaching or some therapy to change a few patterns that keep you stuck, but remain optimistic and keep dating. I really believe you have to stay in the game.
Eric Michaels: Definitely persistence! What are three deadly dating mistakes that women make that lead to men dumping them?
Sandy Weiner: That’s a really good question. I think people make the same mistakes over and over again. Number one is, women who lead men to think that they are needy and insecure. You can be the most secure woman, but there are certain actions that women take that lead men to believe they are are insecure and needy. Men do not like clingy women. One of the things they might do is to talk badly about past relationships and go into lengthy discussions about the past. Makes them think, “are they going to talk about me like that?” Do not talk badly about your girlfriends or really anybody for that matter. It is bringing negative energy into the relationship. Another way to appear needy is to have too much physical, sexual content up front. As much as women think that men want that, which brings me to number two, they want you to appeal to the man’s emotional side as well as his sexual side. It’s a balance. A really good quality man is going to be more grounded. A woman who just throws herself at a man in that way runs the risk of cheapening herself. The third is not knowing how to size up a man’s relationship potential. Too many women begin relationships with men who are really not emotionally available. That is a deadly mistake. Men do not become emotionally available as you are dating them. They either are or they are not available. Maybe they need to go get some help but they will not change in the moment. I had an experience with somebody who said, “I am 100 percent sure that I want to get married, and it’s the first time in 10 years since my divorce that I am sure.” Like 3 seconds later, he said, “I also have a confession to make; I just sold my business and lost a ton of money and financially I am doing very poorly right now.” While I appreciated his honesty, I realized that he was not at all emotionally available to be in a relationship. He was completely consumed by his work and within about 2 weeks I said to him, you let me know if you are ever available because right now, you are not. It would have been a horrible relationship for me if I was always playing second fiddle to his work.
Eric Michaels: I see you offer help for writing online Dating Profiles. Give us an example or two of a before and after profile as you call them the “blah” to “aha”…
Sandy Weiner: I love writing online dating profiles for people. I think people mis-represent themselves. Dating online is a way of marketing yourself. If you were to go online to find an expert in something, and their website wasn’t immediately clear about what this person stood for, you would bounce right off the site in a second. In online dating, you are looking at hundreds and hundreds of people and your attention has to be caught by both the picture and the essay.
Here is a ‘before’ and it’s very short: “Loves sushi, Yankees, laying out by the pool in no particular order. Passionate about my family, reading good books, traveling and animals.” This says very little about the person and what is important to him. So here is what I re-wrote: “On summer weekends, you can find me lounging poolside, reading the latest James Patterson novel. I love spicy mayo on my tuna sashimi, and would enjoy sipping sake with you at a great Japanese restaurant, preferably sitting in a quiet booth. I’m just as comfortable eating a hot dog at a Yankees game as I am sharing a gourmet steak dinner with my three grown kids.” You want to give somebody a flushed out idea about who you are. A lot of people say they are funny but they never write anything funny. I believe you have to show and not tell. That’s really one of my biggest points that I talk about in re-writing profile essays.
Eric Michaels: Well, I certainly like that profile that you just shared with us, beautifully written, grabs the attention and even kind of gets the emotions going there. Tell us about your laser love call program.
Sandy Weiner: I offer a 15 minute laser love call as part of my coaching offers. Sometimes people have a dating question that is pressing and they just need fifteen minutes of my time. It’s an inexpensive way to access coaching as opposed to an ongoing coaching program when you need more comprehensive work, so that is why I offer it.
Eric Michaels: Where can our listeners find you online?
Sandy Weiner: LastFirstDate.com
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