The reason we get into relationships is to get something we don’t already have. It’s bound to fail, as two people are going in with a neediness to get what they’re missing. There are two purposes to the relationship where each wants to get their way. This is not common ground. The only way relationships can be healing and successful is to have one single purpose for the relationship. 

[It’s important to realize that] we are already safe, loved, valuable, and have exactly the combination of talents and experience we need to live a happy life. [For relationships to succeed], we need to get our brains rewired about ourselves and others.

We don’t tolerate a hacked or malfunctioning piece of technology. We get an expert to fix our technology when it breaks. We don’t do that with ourselves. We’re operating on old programing. We’re running on auto pilot. Step up and be your own best cheerleader!

When we don’t examine [our old patterns], they show up in our relationships. People will trigger the unhealed places in us. We think they’re the problem. We don’t realize they’re standing there as a mirror showing us specific information about where we need to change our minds.

This is a problem of being insufficiently wired from childhood. No one can change your mind about yourself except yourself. We can heal these old ideas that are hurtful, and as we do, our relationships flourish. You can’t help your partner heal if you feel deeply hurt yourself.

What’s an exercise you can share to help people resolve faulty thinking?

Who is the person that you can’t stand the most? [In your imagination], have them walk into the room and sit next to you. How do you feel? Your feelings are greatly revealing. Realize that your feelings are not about the person, because he or she is not present. It’s about what you think and feel about this person. You are creating those feelings yourself, no matter where the person is.

The way you feel around the image of this person are a reflection of your beliefs and programming. Once you realize that, you understand that [those feelings can’t control you or bring you down anymore]. You’re in charge. And that’s so powerful!

When you’re young, you often felt you didn’t have a choice. Now you do have choices. Come from a place of integrity, not survival level programming, which is just trying to keep you alive.

You’ll get pushback. But, we must do this work. It’s the only way to be free! The rewards of living a free and powerful life are so worth it. You can do this work with your partner.

When you change your mind, it changes the dynamic of the relationship!