Rihanna is ‘Crazy in Love’ ~ Can an Abuser Change?

Posted by in dating a dangerous man, love after 40 | 0 comments

can an abuser change?Almost four years after leaving Chris Brown as a severely battered woman, Rihanna is back with Chris and ‘Crazy in Love’. Emphasis on crazy? Or is this really love? Brown is still on probation. “I decided it was more important for me to be happy. I wasn’t going to let anybody’s opinion get in the way of that. Even if it’s a mistake, it’s my mistake,” she told Rolling Stone. “After being tormented for so many years, being angry and dark, I’d rather just live my truth and take the backlash. I can handle it.”

She says she is ready to leave him again if she sees the smallest inkling of abusive behavior towards her. Do you think she will?

“When you add up the pieces from the outside, it’s not the cutest puzzle in the world,” she said. “You see us walking somewhere, driving somewhere, in the studio, in the club, and you think you know. But it’s different now. We don’t have those types of arguments anymore. We talk about sh-t. We value each other. We know exactly what we have now, and we don’t want to lose that. He doesn’t have the luxury of f**king up again. That’s just not an option. I can’t say that nothing else will ever go wrong. But I’m pretty solid in the knowing that he’s disgusted by that. And I wouldn’t have gone this far if I ever thought that was a possibility.”

“He made a mistake, and he’s paid his dues,” Rihanna adds. “He’s paid so much. And I know that’s not a place he would ever want to go back to. And sometimes people need support and encouragement, instead of ridicule and criticism and bashing.”

Can an Abuser Change?

Rihanna would like to believe Chris’ loving words and promises of change. But words are cheap. The proof will be in his actions. And only time will tell.

I am generally a positive person, holding out hope for a better future for most of my clients who have been in emotionally abusive relationships. But they have been the victims, not the abusers.

When it comes to severe abuse as in the case of Chris Brown v. Rihanna, it’s important to be a realist.

It may take some time for the abuse to resurface, because Chris Brown is being watched carefully by the public. But in most cases of severe physical abuse, the problems just don’t go away.

Abuse usually begins in early childhood, often with the abuser observing abusive behaviors at home.

According to Dr. Jill Murray, author of Destructive Relationships, abusers can sometimes change, but these 6 criteria must be met. And they must be met in order.

  1. He understands that his behavior is inappropriate and abusive.
  2. He doesn’t cast blame for his behavior onto his girlfriend, parents, teachers, or anyone else.
  3. He takes full responsibility for his abusive behavior.
  4. He has a desire to change. He’s not just doing it to stay out of trouble at school or with the law or because his girlfriend nagged him to do so.
  5. He follows up his stated desire to change with concrete actions. LOVE IS A BEHAVIOR!!
  6. His new actions are continuous, not just for the moment. Most abusers apologize for their bad behavior and tell their girlfriend it will never happen again. Often, they are contrite for only a few days.

The jury is out as to whether Chris Brown is capable of change. What do you think? Please leave your comments below.

 

 

 

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