Ruling Him In Instead of Out: Learning to focus on the positive qualities of your date

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, love after 40, online dating after 40, self-esteem in dating, single women over 40 | 0 comments

Are you frustrated with your dating life? Have you gone on too many ‘one date wonders’ that never lead to a second date? Tired of going on dates with the same guy/different face over and over? Granted, finding a mate is not usually a quick and easy process. But there are certain things you can do to decrease your frustration and increase your dating and relationship success.

The number one thing that can turn your love life around is learning to rule a man into your life instead of out of your life. It all comes down to how you use your judgment.

Most of my clients say they want to date someone who’s open and non-judgmental. Yet, when pressed, they admit that they themselves are extremely judgmental.

They go on first dates with a critical eye on the person sitting across the table. While some judgment is necessary in deciding if someone is a good fit, making assumptions through harsh judgments can be detrimental to your love life.

This type of judgment can blind you to the essence of that person. You might be missing important qualities when you focus on a habit or how a person dresses, rather than looking deeper into the core of what that person is made of.

So, how do you know what to judge and what to let go of when you’re dating?

I spoke to a dating expert about this topic earlier this week.

Dan Crum, “The Dating Detective”, worked for the CIA as a Polygraph Examiner and Special Investigator. He wrote a book for women called, Is He Lying to You.¬†

Dan explained to me the basic philosophy of his coaching practice, and it aligns with mine, so I am sharing it with you today.

Let’s first assume that you’ve created your list of five non-negotiables that you need in a mate (which I talk about a lot on other blog posts). You need to be clear about that before you go on any dates. That’s your primary focus.

Dan explains the process in his ABC’s of Dating.

Absolutes: These are your non-negotiable traits, the core values in a person that draw them to you. These make up the essence of a person. They are must-haves.

Breakables: These are habitual patterns, such as being neat or messy, smoking or overeating. A person can change these patterns. This is your second tier. These things are important to you, but if the person changes them, it doesn’t change the essence of who he is.

Communication and Compromise: These are hobbies or activities that bind you to each other. If you enjoy hiking and he enjoys golf, does it really matter to the relationship? While many people focus on these hobbies and shared activities as essential to the relationship, they are like a house of cards. They’re not foundational to the relationship at all. They might make it more fun, but two people can communicate and compromise about these things. The relationship can be solid without the bonds of shared activities.

So, if he shows up on the first date with mismatched socks and jeans from ten years ago, give him a break.

If he spews hatred about his ex, pay closer attention. This could be a sign of poor character. And that’s something that can be a relationship breaker.

Forgive the occasional stupid joke. Don’t forgive cruel comments to the waiter.

I’d like to encourage you to rule more men in instead of out. Give the short guy a chance. Cut a break to the sweet shy guy. He might be a hidden treasure just waiting to be discovered by yours truly!

Have a love-filled weekend!





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