Safe to Love Again
If you’ve been hurt in past relationships and/or you grew up in a highly dysfunctional home, this podcast is for you. You can feel safe to love again!
Based on a field of study called Attachment Theory, the science of intimate relationships, my podcast guest, Dr.Gary Salyer’s insights have a profound and often immediate impact on helping people feel safe to love again. As a transformational relationship mentor, he helps people re-write the rules for love in their brains. He empowers singles to reclaim their rights for a full soulmate relationship. With couples, he helps resolve their conflicts and differences so they can have the love they dream about. Therapists are even saying his new approach will ‘change the way therapists do therapy.’
Check out highlights of Episode 353: Release the Pain of Past Relationships to Create The Love You Deserve.
Listen to/download this episode here:
What inspired you to write this book?
It began as a child growing up in a dysfunctional family with alcoholics and mental illness. No one loved each other. I wanted to know why. I vowed to never get divorced. In my senior year of college, my professor did a personality test on me. He said you have a 90% chance of having a divorce. Are you kidding me? So, I got another degree in marriage and family. 12 years later, when my wife said, “I want a divorce,” I was floored.
I did workshops and over seven more years of therapy. I remarried, and four years later, my wife asked for a divorce. I did more therapy. I was managing my pain, but I was not transforming.
I realized I was showing up as Mr. Wrong. I wanted to crack the code. So, I learned what creates lasting love. After 10 years of research and coming up with a new theory, I wrote the book.
I began learning Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and that was transformative. Attachment theory gives you a label (secure, anxious, or avoidant) and you might as well say, “I’m screwed” if you’re anxious or avoidant. We live in a time of hopelessness. The books don’t tell you the road map back to secure attachment. That’s what my book does. You have rights in love.
What are the rights you name in the book?
There are four rights that create lasting love.
- Welcomed with Joy. You have a right to feel welcomed by your partner.
- Cherished and Protected. There’s a Me and a We in a healthy relationship. That’s a template for all great couples.
- Empowered with Choice. This is the right to create your own experience with love and co-create with your partner.
- To Love and Be Loved: Both are important. You have the right to have your needs met. It’s okay to reach out and take and receive.
How can someone rewire their brains for love?
Realize you’re worthy and deserving of love. Then, do the deep work. The book is a road map with skillsets. If you’ve always felt unworthy, go back and do the deeper work. It’s not easy to do by yourself. Find someone who can help you restore those rights and stop making yourself wrong. Your brain will adapt. It’s called neuro-plasticity. Love is your birthright.
Can you share a client story that illustrates how someone can rewire their brains?
Sabrina is one of my favorite clients. She was 35, professional, happily married with 3 kids. In session with me, she looks at the other side of the couch where someone usually sits. She starts to cry uncontrollably. “If my husband ever finds out, I will lose everything.”
Every few months, she’d have an affair. She couldn’t enjoy her husband. “It has nothing to do with him. I can’t enjoy him. I have to find a way out of this, or I’ll lose everything.”
The word ‘enjoy’ kept coming up. We tracked it back to her childhood. Her father got more joy from his daughter than the mom. The mom was jealous of the daughter. One day, Dad bought her a red dress and enrolled her in a beauty pageant. Mom asked, “Did you enjoy daddy?” That becomes her template for love. She didn’t have the full right to love and be loved. I helped her integrate, and then her husband came in. He told me, “Doc, I’m going to love the next 15 years!”
Whatever experience you’re having, it’s probably a replay of something from your childhood.
What’s the most important thing you’d like people to take away from this book?
You deserve to have a love that lasts. You have a right to feel welcomed, worthy, cherished and empowered. If you do the deep work, you can have hope for the love you deserve.
How do we find and keep a lasting relationship given all the serial relationships and breakups?
Modern dating culture is a petri dish of undeserving and unworthiness. Online dating is about compatibility lists. Who lives up to these long lists?
It makes all of us feel unworthy. When couples break up, they blame compatibility vs. the REAL problem, which is the basis for friendship.
Go back to welcomed, worthy, cherished and empowered as a way to find lasting love.
Contact Gary Salyer, and schedule a love map session. You can also get Love Notes, which are 2-4 minute videos for couples and singles at http://www.GarySalyer.com
Buy the book, Safe to Love Again.
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Want to finally attract the epic love you deserve? Schedule your complimentary 1/2 hour Love Breakthrough Session. Learn how coaching with Sandy can help you fall in love with a partner who meets you on every level. https://lastfirstdate.com/breakthrough