How to Save a Challenging Relationship
Can your relationship be saved? My radio guest, Larry Bilotta, discloses the number one reason why marriages fall apart and how he saved his own challenging relationship from hell!
Want to know how to save your challenging relationship? Married over 40 years when divorce is so prevalent, my radio guest, Larry Bilotta, is the leading authority on understanding people, marriage and relationships.
Larry lived 27-years in a marriage made in Hell, but in the 28th year, he fell in love…with his wife! Today, after transforming his own marriage, Larry holds the key to bringing a marriage back from the brink of divorce – even after the papers have been filed.
Highlights below for episode #293: How to Keep the Wrong People Out of Your Life.
How to Save a Challenging Relationship
How did you save your challenging relationship after 27 years of hell?
My wife, Marsha, and I are opposites in virtually every way. When we got married, we were young and didn’t understand our programming. She was trying to rip my programming out of me and force me to change to her value system.
We all want to make others live according to our programs. I call it the invisible lifestyle; the style of living according to the values programmed into us when we were children. These values are so much a part of us, and when we are offended, it’s because our partner is stepping on our parent’s value system.
Nobody wants to hear, “You’re just like your mother or father.” This is a condemnation of the worst of our parent’s value system. My wife and I were clashing, but we were programmed by our parents to stay married and stay miserable.
I was searching for answers, because I was in pain. Finally, I was able to accept myself as I was when I realized that Marsha was threatened by my value system. Because her parents got angry, she got angry. Because my parents were avoiders, I avoided confrontation.
If you want to go on your last first date, figure out if you’re an avoider or a confronter.
Tell me about your concept called “chaos kids”. How did you arrive at that term?
“Chaos kids” are those who are raised in abandonment, abuse, or neglect. Those children grow up to magnetize someone who has the same type of pain. When the pain matches, boom—you’re in love. All the dark ugliness of your childhood goes away. But, the love chemicals are temporary. And you believe this grand lie: If I feel this way now, I’ll feel this way forever.
This is a lie, because after you’re in a routine, the chemicals fall away, and your original programming comes out. When you’re 35-45, the pain of your childhood gets so strong, you can enter a midlife crisis. This is the personality of the worst of your programmers that takes over and possesses you. This destroys intimacy.
If you’re “program-possessed” like this, your intimacy is suppressed. You can’t find it, as it strikes from your subconscious mind. It’s you being possessed by what happened in your childhood.
What’s a great question to ask on a first or second date to determine if someone is a “chaos kid”?
Ask this question: “When you consider all of your life successes, how much do you credit to your mom and dad?”
Then, count to three seconds. If you still don’t have your answer after three seconds, it’s not good. It means your date is calculating and covering for what happened in his/her childhood. They don’t want to look bad on a first date. So they will often alter the story.
If they answer right away, they will usually say positive things about their childhood and how it affected their successes. We know the future of our relationships by what they share about their parents’ influence on them.
A typical match is two people who both have abandonment energy. They could have been latchkey kids who were alone in the house when they got home from school.
When you’ve both been abandoned, it feels like a match. It takes two forms. The first form is controlling: “I’m going to watch that you don’t abandon me”. The second is abandoning: “I’m going to leave if you distance yourself from me”.
Listen to the episode to hear how a healthy person might answer this question, even if their parents were emotionally or physically abusive.
How did you wake up and heal your marriage?
The ego is a destructive force. I call it Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street. Once you have a name for the enemy, you know it’s separate from you. I am not it and it’s not me. This destructive force creates all the suffering in our health and relationships.
Get in tune with your Freddy. This begins to change your programming. We are the cruise ship and there’s a rat on the cruise ship. You’re good and the rat is not.
If you have a beautiful ship and a rat came on deck, you’d have a lot of problems! Remove the rat from the ship. Put it in the cage so you can control it.
Find Larry at youcansavethismarriage.com.
Download a free copy of Larry’s Marriage Tornado report here.
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