Sexual Healing and Awakening at Any Age
From a sexless marriage to sexual healing and awakening, my podcast guest, Xanet Pailet will inspire you to increase your pleasure and intimacy.
My podcast guest, Xanet Pailet, is a former New York City health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full- time sex and intimacy educator and coach. She works with individuals and couples to empower them around their sexuality and strengthen relationship and intimacy skills.
Xanet is a certified Somatica® Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, Tantra Educator and Somatica Experiencing Trauma Practitioner. She’s on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute.
Check out highlights of episode #321: How to Awaken Your Sexuality and Create More Intimacy at Any Stage of Life.
Sexual Healing and Awakening
Listen to/download this episode below. If the link doesn’t work, you can also listen on iTunes here.
What inspired you to change your career from lawyer to sex and intimacy coach?
It was not my intention. It wasn’t on the vision board! It was a personal journey. I was in a marriage with a wonderful man, but it was a sexless marriage. After my second child was born, I closed up shop. Sex had always been painful to me. I was disconnected from my body and female body parts.
My husband and I eventually slept in separate beds for 12 years. We separated amicably as I was turning 50. I thought about what my OkCupid profile might say, “Awesome woman, doesn’t like sex!”
I did meet a man online who had practiced Tantra. He introduced me to this practice, which was completely different from anything I’d ever done before. It allowed me to have a new perspective.
When I moved to the West Coast, I took a deep dive into sexuality. I took training programs that involved doing work on each other. It awakened my sexuality and healed my pain, fear, and shame.
What’s a sexual blueprint, and how does it impact our relationship with sex as an adult?
It’s all the messages we received around sex as children—from parents, family members, cultural and religious institutions, and early childhood explorations, such as; if something negative happened and you were shamed when you touched yourself for the first time, the first time you had sex, how your parents modeled sex and affection. The blueprint is often laden with negative messages and shame around our sexuality. That’s what we take into our sexual relationships as adults.
[Listen to a powerful client story at 13:30]
To normalize the shame around past sexual experiences, I like to do an exercise with clients called the Shame-a-thon. Look at a sexual experience you had a lot of shame around, and share it with a partner or friend. We have shame to talk about our shame, but in sharing it, we see that others have similar experiences. This normalizes the shame.
How can women and men talk about sexuality and all the changes that happen after 40?
Be honest with your partner about your issues and what you need to do to work through them. Talk about what you like and don’t like. Get rid of your expectations. [This is what leads to sexual healing.]
So much of erectile dysfunction is not physical, it’s psychological. It can be about how they were wounded and shut down.
Libido comes rushing back when there’s trust and comfort.
What are three tips for sexual healing and having a more satisfying, fun, and juicy sex life?
1. Slow everything down. Touch, foreplay, slow down and connect with each other.
2. Touch your partner for your own pleasure. This is a different paradigm. Start touching his body, arm, or any part, and do it in a way that feels good to you. Focus on your own pleasure. It changes the experience for your partner. He can feel how good it feels to you. You feel each other’s turn on, which creates a beautiful pleasure circuit.
3. Be creative. Be willing to explore new ways to connect. Go outside the box. Push your edges in a loving way. Get away from vanilla.
What is Tantra and what role does it play in sexual healing and awakening?
Tantra is an ancient practice. It means to weave. We weave our physical body, energetic body, spiritual and emotional body together with our partner. It connects to our seven energy centers called Chakras. You create a very strong physical and energetic relationship with each other.
You’re able to have orgasms without taking your clothes off! Energy loops together through breath, sound, touch, and movement. It feels different. You’re focused on the energetic vs. the sexual piece of it.
You can do Tantra by yourself as well, to help you reconnect with your own sexuality and sensuality.
What’s a final message for our audience to help them go on their last first date?
Get rid of any expectations, and get present to the person sitting in front of you. Forget about the past, and be aware of the present. Enjoy that moment!
- Learn more about my guest, Xanet Paliet here. And don’t forget to buy her book, Living an Orgasmic Life. It’s fabulous!
- Please take a moment to rate and review our show on iTunes here. Thank you!
- Schedule your complimentary 1/2 hour Love Breakthrough Session to learn how coaching with Sandy can help you finally attract in the love you deserve.