She’s Addicted to an Abusive Boyfriend

Posted by in breaking up with grace, dating a narcissist, dating after divorce | 0 comments

self respect in relationshipsDear Sandy,

I feel I am with a narcissist. I really need some guidance. I’m divorced and I have a young son. I reconnected with my boyfriend who was a friend of mine over 25 years ago in high school. He ended up relocating from Texas to Tennessee to live with me. Big mistake number one. I had been separated for 2 years and divorced 8 months when he came here. According to my boyfriend, my ex may never be a part of our life. He also says I can have no contact with anybody in my ex’s family. He has made me close my Facebook account and change my phone number so they can’t reach me. Only my son’s grandparents can stay involved, and they can only call the house phone so he knows the conversation. Once my ex called my cell and I took the call. For month’s he couldn’t be emotionally engaged in the relationship like I wanted because I let him down. Most recently he has decided that I’m sneaking around so he is monitoring my phone. He has deleted contacts. Everything I do must be run past him.

He can do whatever he wants. He has disappeared sometimes all night and upon return says he owes me no explanation. He questions every dime I spend but carries hundreds of dollars around with him all the time. He is lazy. He will sit and watch me take care of the whole house and never lift a finger. He has charm like I can’t describe. He seems to have insight into me that after 16 years of marriage my husband never had. The flip side is his anger. He has said things to me that I find overwhelmingly unbearable. It seems so obvious to me this is abuse. He seems to fit the definition of a narcissist. When he goes on his rant I can’t hardly complete a thought to respond. He makes me doubt what I know is right. It’s like I’m addicted to him and don’t know how to cut the tie. Please tell me how to handle someone like this and how I can both mentally and physically safely get myself and son out if this. He has been asked to leave before but never does. He always manipulates me into a false sense of upcoming harmony. I’m a smart generally happy professional woman and I can’t get myself together. It is the worst feeling ever!

JD

Dear JD,

I’m so sorry to read about your situation with your boyfriend. First, please read the quote I posted above:

“Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity, or your self-worth to be with them.”

It’s important for you to recognize how abusive this man is, and that you deserve better. As the quote says, a man who loves you would never do any of the things you’re describing. He would do the opposite.

Your abusive boyfriend

I don’t think that narcissism is your biggest issue. The abuse concerns me. This guy is exceedingly controlling, and he has threatened you. You can’t possibly feel safe with him, and you’re doubting your own good sense.

You capture the whole issue in this statement:

“He is lazy. He will sit and watch me take care of the whole house and never lift a finger. He has charm like I can’t describe. He seems to have insight into me that after 16 years of marriage my husband never had. The flip side is his anger. He has said things to me that I find overwhelmingly unbearable. It seems so obvious to me this is abuse.

A man who tells you how to breathe, live, spend money, and interact with others is abusive. The way he got to your heart is through his supposed charm. You need to kick him to the curb as soon as possible. He may not want to leave, like you said, but he is the intruder here. It’s your place. If he doesn’t leave, you can ask the police to intervene. But first, make sure you’re safe.

Contact the abuse hotline in your area immediately. Then, contact family, good friends, and/or a clergy member for support and for your safety and the safety of your child.

This man is sick, and he is not looking out for your best interest. Any ‘insight’ he has into you does not make up for his abusive behavior. He is throwing you crumbs of charm and ‘connection’, but none of what he does is really for you. His only concern is for himself.

And one more thing. Please, don’t beat up on yourself for falling for this guy. Many smart women get themselves into these types of relationships. I imagine that you might have had unhealthy relationships with men for most of your life. These types of relationships erode your self-esteem, and eventually you become more and more under the control of the manipulator.

Please, get help immediately and get away from him as soon as possible!

Please let me know what happens.

My best wishes for your safety,

Sandy

For more midlife dating advice and a copy of my FREE report, “The Top Three Mistakes Midlife Daters Make (and how to turn them around to find love now)” please click here.

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