Should I Stay in a Sexless Relationship?

Posted by in dating after divorce, dating in midlife | 0 comments

sexless relationshipDear Sandy,

Eleven years post-divorce, I started dating again. At the age of 53, I met a wonderful man.  He’s confident, outgoing, passionate, kind, loving, caring and sexy as hell!!  We’ve been dating now for two years. My issue is he’s not well.  He has cardiomyopathy and after his bypass surgery last April, he’s now in irreversible atrial fibrillation. There’s been no interest on his behalf in sexual activity of any kind since April and it’s now January, 2014.  I realize he has no desire, doesn’t feel well and the act of sex is too strenuous for him, but I have needs and he pushes me away and ignores my advances.  I miss him so much.  Please help me to decide whether to stay in a sexless relationship or to leave him with dignity. 

Thank you,

Cee Cee

Dear Cee Cee,

How fortunate that you found a man who is ‘Confident, outgoing, passionate, kind, loving, caring and sexy as hell!!’. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

The good news is that you’ve had one-and-a-half great years with him. But the past nine months have been trying. I can imagine how frustrating it must feel to be in a sexless relationship, especially when he pushes you away. That’s got to be so hard on you.

From what you’ve shared, there seem to be a few things going on. You say his surgery and heart condition make sex strenuous. I have a feeling he might also be depressed and scared. I’m not a therapist, but most men don’t suddenly go from ‘sexy as hell’ to totally losing their sexual desire.

I did a quick Google search for resuming sex after bypass surgery, and this is what I found at

“Less than 1% of all heart attacks occur during sexual activity. In men, the risk is as low for those who have suffered a heart attack as it is for those without coronary artery disease. A sedentary lifestyle increases the risk, but to a much greater extent in women than in men. The good news is that having sex regularly lowers the risk, likely by improving exercise capacity.”

That sounded hopeful to me. It’s only a quick search, and it does not substitute for a doctor’s advice. So, I suggest he speak with his doctor, and perhaps you could both go to therapy together to try and regain the wonderful relationship you once had.

You don’t have to have intercourse to have a healthy and fulfilling sex life. There are many ways to pleasure each other. The possibilities are quite open and exciting.

It would be a shame to leave him if there is so much good in the relationship. Hopefully, this is just a passing phase that can be helped with the proper professional intervention.

Best of luck to you in getting your sexy back!






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