Stop Falling for Emotionally Unavailable Men!
My podcast guest, Dr. Marni Feuerman, is the author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships. She’s a licensed social worker and marriage and family therapist with a private practice counseling those with relationship issues. She also trains therapists to do couples therapy and writes about love relationships for a number of online media. She lives in Boca Raton, Florida, and she was a guest on my show to help women to take back their power in asking for what they want in their relationships and intimate connections.
Check out the show notes below, and listen to/download Episode 360: GHOSTED & BREADCRUMBED: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men!
Stop Falling for Unavailable Men!
What are the building blocks of a healthy relationship?
You feel safe and secure with that person. You have a felt sense of trust, and they have your back and are responsive to you. You share values and life goals. You won’t get along perfectly, but there’s a way to repair and get out of conflict. A solid friendship is also important.
What’s a good way to approach dating so you don’t get involved with unavailable men?
Remain open and curious about the man you’re meeting. Whatever happens, happens. Don’t get so tied up in chemistry or fantasy. You don’t really know a man yet. Don’t project when you don’t know. Keep your rational brain online when there’s a lot of chemistry. And if he doesn’t call back, we can look at it as a gift, not rejection. We don’t know WHY someone doesn’t call back. And we don’t want to pretend we do know why or personalize it.
Why are there so many emotionally unavailable men?
We’re learning about men’s struggles today, like with toxic masculinity. There’s more of an acceptance of emotions with women than men. Men are more oriented to not showing vulnerability, and that’s constricting.
Women live longer than men, because we reach out to friends for help and express ourselves. Women file for divorce in 2/3 of all cases.
One thing I hear a lot is the women feel disconnected [in relationships], and the men don’t know what that means. If you’re a woman and you don’t feel emotionally connected to your partner, see if they’re willing to change. Men can learn to do a better job. They have to be motivated and willing.
Why do women get stuck in relationships with these emotionally unavailable men?
There are women who stay with men who are emotionally unavailable, where they’re not treated well or they don’t feel safe and secure. A lot of that stems from your attachment patterns, the bond you had with the people taking care of you growing up. Maybe [the love you received at home was] inconsistent, and it plays out in your adult relationships. It feels ‘normal’, and you mistake it for chemistry or what love feels like.
If you’re not sure where the relationship is going or you’re not getting enough time with him, state what you need by being assertive. You’re risking rejection, but you’ll also gain clarity about whether you can get what you need. The response is information you want to listen to.
What’s the difference between being needy and asking for what you need?
Neediness is a sign of trying harder to get your need met. If you have friends you can trust, ask them if you’re being needy. If a man calls you needy because he said he’d call at noon and didn’t, that’s a red flag. Men who are emotionally unavailable tend to downgrade their needs.
What’s one last word of advice for women who want to go on their last first date?
I want women to feel empowered in their dating and relationship experiences. They’re entitled to have reciprocal love with someone who is honest, empathic, responds when you’re hurt. Emotional connection is the glue that holds a relationship together. You will be really happy if you’re able to meet the right partner.
Find out more about Marni’s work online at www.DrMarniOnline.com. Sign up for the newsletter, and get a free one-hour webinar.
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