What to do When He Suddenly Stops Calling

Posted by Sandy Weiner in communication skills in dating, dating in midlife, red flags in relationships | 2 comments

Dear Sandy,

I am recently widowed and met a nice man.  I had been sexually deprived because of my husband’s lengthy illness, so I had sex with this man on the second date.  After three months of fun and great sex he suddenly stops calling.  I realize he was obviously not that into me; however, I would like him to tell me what happened.  Should I contact him?  He owns a piece of my heart and I am trying to move on.

Thank you,

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to watch your husband’s health deteriorate over a long period of time. Several women I know became caretakers to their dying husbands. It is a very difficult and complex experience, and my heart goes out to you.

It’s understandable why you’d want to have sex right away with this new man. Many women who experience loss or divorce are awakening to sexual pleasure after a long dry spell. Sex can be exciting and life-affirming. Intimacy is an important human need – as well as the need to be touched and caressed and to give and receive love.

Why would this guy who, “after three months of fun and great sex” suddenly stop calling you? I’m not sure if the answer is “he’s not that into me”. There can be so many possible answers to that question.

Why he suddenly stops calling

1. He met someone else.

2. He has commitment issues.

3. He’s got a secret life you know nothing about.

4. He was just in it for the fun.

5. He was hit by a car and is in the hospital.

6. He had a family emergency and can’t handle your relationship right now.

7. He fell and has amnesia.

I could go on and on. The truth is, while some of these may seem ludicrous, do you really want to know why he stopped calling? And if you do ask, will he be honest with you?

If you’re open to hearing whatever he has to say, I would contact him and ask why he suddenly stopped calling. I recommend that you communicate in a way that will yield the best response.

Here’s an example of how you might say it:

“Eric, is this a good time to talk? (Make sure he’s open to the conversation. If he says no, ask when might be a better time.) I’ve really enjoyed our relationship for the past few months. I had a lot of fun with you and I thought the sex was great. I was hurt when you suddenly stopped calling and I’d like to understand your reasoning. Is there something I said or did that offended you in any way? I’d like an open and honest discussion so I can have more clarity about what happened.”

Listen to his answer. Don’t get defensive. Be open. If after you speak you realize he doesn’t honor or value you, he’s not your man. You will have some sense of closure, but be aware that he might not be comfortable telling you the truth. And you’ll have to live without knowing why he stopped calling.

Many men are uncomfortable with the truth, not because they’re mean but  because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. That’s why they say they’ll call after a first date and never do. That’s why they sleep with you and then never call again.

Be a high value woman

I suggest that in the future, if you want a man to respect and value you, make sure you convey your value from the very start of a relationship. If you don’t want to be a last minute option, don’t be available at the last minute. If you want to be in an exclusive relationship before having sex, let a man know what you need to make that happen.

Men tend to reveal a lot about who they are from the very first conversation. Pay attention to any red flags that come up. If you feel anything bad in your gut, listen carefully. Your intuition is brilliant and we often push it away. As Maya Angelou so eloquently said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

If you think back to the beginning of your relationship, you’ll probably remember signs that led up to his sudden disappearance. Can you think of anything he said or did that was a red or yellow flag?

Heidi, I wish you only the best of luck in life and love.

xoxo

Sandy

If you want to find love this year, there’s nothing like group coaching to keep you accountable and give you the dating tips and tools that really work for women over 40. The Last First Date Inner Circle features monthly topic-based Q & A calls about dating in midlife plus a private forum for women to connect and share their experiences. All calls are recorded and transcribed, and you get a free chapter a month from Sandy’s upcoming book. This month, the topic was where to find great men! I shared 11 creative tips on where to find the good guys at this age. Click HERE to find out more and join us!   

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