The Ashley Madison Hack: How To Avoid Dating A Cheater
Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone, but 32 million married people might soon be outed by the hackers of Ashley Madison, a website for cheaters. With the tagline, “Life is short. Have an affair.” there are many people who are cheering on these hackers. “Serves them right for cheating on their spouses!”
When Ashley Madison wanted to appear as a guest on my radio show, I said no. I don’t support anyone who supports cheating. But one of the most unfortunate realities of dating and relationships is that people do cheat, with or without Ashley Madison.
It’s not always easy to spot the tendencies or character traits that can indicate someone might end up cheating on you; and sometimes a person who wouldn’t appear as a cheater is driven toward being unfaithful over the course of a relationship or by random events.
But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some red flags to keep an eye out for when you’re dating or in the early stages of a new relationship. Taking into account common reasons for cheating, general signs of trouble in a relationship, and most importantly your own intuition, you might just be able to identify risky partners, and at least decrease the likelihood that you end up dating a cheater.
How To Avoid Dating A Cheater
3 tips to help identify a potential cheater
1. He’s Secretive
I know—this sounds like a big, obvious, glaring red flag. You don’t tend to look at a partner or someone you’re dating and think, “Yup, he’s secretive all right!” and then leave him. Rather, if he’s secretive, you may have dismissed his secrets and shoved them under the rug.
And yet, there are a lot of little things that can indicate a secretive, potentially problematic mindset.
- Does he give vague answers if you ask where he’s been?
- Does he make an effort to conceal his computer or hide his phone screen from you?
- Is he hard to get a hold of when you’re not together?
Any of these things can be innocent in isolated circumstances, but all together they may indicate that he’s not being open with you. Dating coach Joe Amoia says, “Communication and the willingness to be an open book are two of the most important indicators of a happy and successful relationship.” They’re also indicators that he’s honest and likely not to be a cheater.
2. Sex Isn’t Exciting Anymore
Pay close attention here, because there’s an important distinction to be made. Unexciting sex is not necessarily the same as dull sex. Dull sex is a clear, obvious problem. It’s also an indicator that you might have a problem connecting, either emotionally or physically (or both) to your partner. It’s something you should deal with regardless of suspicion of cheating. But sometimes, you can also find yourself in a sexual relationship that’s perfectly fine, ordinary, and satisfying. However, it lacks the excitement that gives it that special edge. An ordinary sex life might not be so bad as to be labeled dull, but it can be equally problematic.
According to a survey of why people cheat, 33 percent of cheaters said they did so because “it was exciting.” To be clear, a need for excitement is not an excuse to cheat. If a relationship lacks excitement, he should address the problem and take responsibility for spicing things up in the bedroom. A mature man doesn’t cheat when the excitement wanes. He turns to his partner and tries to work things out. The excitement of new love doesn’t last forever. It waxes and wanes, and that’s to be expected. However, an immature boy (no matter his age), will probably turn to cheating to make him feel good about himself. Stay away from these selfish immature men.
3. There Are Biological Indicators
According to relationship experts and neuroscientists, there can be biological (and socioeconomic) indicators as to whom may be likelier to cheat.
The first indicator listed is a particularly deep voice. Because a deep voice indicates high testosterone levels, which in turn indicates a higher statistical likelihood to cheat, a deep voice can be a red flag. Oddly enough, another indicator listed was trouble maintaining an erection. Evidently, men who struggle in this area are considered more likely to seek excitement in affairs, where the forbidden aspect of the encounter can boost arousal, and the partner is unaware of the issue. Again, these indicators are by no means entirely accurate and should be taken relatively lightly, but they are backed up by statistics.
Keeping an eye out for these signs and conditions won’t guarantee you protection from cheating in your relationship. But it will make you more aware, and awareness is the first step towards prevention. Go into relationships with your eyes open, and you’ll be less likely to end up in bed with a cheater!
Have you ever dated or been in a relationship with a cheater? When you looked back, were there signs that you ignored or missed?[Note: This article appeared in Better After 50]
If you want the secrets to communicating authentically with men without nagging, pushing, or whining, Sandy’s got the answers. Learn more.