The Power of Influence in Dating
Brad Harker is an author, speaker, influence expert, adjunct professor, and consultant. His creativity and passion for problem solving has fueled a robust entrepreneurial background that includes the creation of several companies and more than a quarter-billion dollars in sales.
Brad’s published book, The Laws of Influence – Mastering the Art of Sales, Leadership, and Change has become the platform of his consulting company, FoundersInc.com. Brad actively consults with professionals and organizations in the disciplines of sales, leadership, and influence.
Brad lives in St. George, Utah, with his wife and three children. Learn more at Bradharker.com
Brad joined me on Last First Date Radio to discuss the power of influence in dating. Following are loosely transcribed highlights of our interview.
The Power of Influence in Dating and Relationships
What is the importance of influence in the context of dating/relationships?
I have always been entrepreneurial, but I never considered myself to be a great sales person. However, I’ve always been passionate about communication. What I observed is that good sales people have a collection of traits related to influence. Regardless what we do, we sell. I call it influencing. It’s what do successful people do to get results.
I’ve discovered what we can do to create influence in our lives—our relationships, our businesses, and what gives us a sense of purpose. It’s our ability to communicate effectively and create connection.
Why is communication so important in dating/relationships?
People often think when they want to be successful, they need to be fake, like someone that you’re not. When you embrace your authenticity and accept who you are, it takes away the feeling that you need to be like someone else. You don’t have to be pushy or lack humility to get results.
You need rapport with someone to build a relationship. It’s the awkward first steps in dating that make people feel nervous. Lead with your authenticity.
Rapport is a powerful tool. With my wife, when we don’t see eye to eye on something, and we’re both flustered, our communication isn’t ideal. The moment we become humble and let the walls down and get into that rapport, we become part of the same team instead of polar opposites. We’re seeking to understand the other person.
To build rapport in dating and relationships, match and mirror the other person’s tone and body language (if they’re sitting with arms crossed, sit like them). Look at that person and say to yourself, “I want to see the world through their vantage point and create value for them.”
Stop and think, “What is this person looking for?” Validate their needs. Now, you can match your position with their demand/values.
What are some good questions to ask on a first date?
- What is it that you’re looking for in a relationship?
- What is it that you value most?
- What’s going really well in your life?
- If you could change some things in your life to make it better, what would they be?
What are some strategies you can share to strengthen communication?
There are some major differences between men and women in communication. When it comes to body language, it takes men seven signals to “get” and understand what’s being said by a woman. Women are much faster. Men are not really aloof. They just lack the ability to pick up on non-verbal cues.
I had a job that ended in abysmal failure. I was depressed and defeated. I hired a coach and did a personality assessment. It helped me understand the way I communicate. It brought me back from a depressed state. I understood my strengths and weaknesses. We all have different styles of communicating and receiving what’s being said. It’s crucial to have the ability to understand how you communicate best. I endorse Myers Briggs. When I have a bad day, I retreat to my cave. My wife understands that it’s not her fault. I need to recenter myself. And then I come back refreshed.
Listen to the entire episode about the power of influence in dating and relationships here.