Understand Men, Revolutionize Your Love Life!

Posted by in communication skills in dating, dating in midlife, first date success, understanding men over 40 | 0 comments

Understand MenDating coach and expert Annie Gleason coaches single men and women as they gain confidence, dating skills and an understanding of the opposite sex as they move from dating unhappiness into a long-term, happy, loving relationship.

She is a certified relationship coach with an extensive background in motivational and mating psychology. She is an expert at handling dating dilemmas that face midlife singles. She coaches clients in the US and internationally from her San Francisco based office, which she founded in 2007. She blogs and writes as an expert for Your Tango

Below are loosely transcribed highlights of my interview with her about how to understand men on Last First Date Radio

Understand Men, Revolutionize Your Love Life!

1. What are the most common dilemmas facing midlife daters?

People expect dating to be efficient. They think they’ll find someone right away and attraction = relationship potential. They don’t take the time to get to know people before committing to being in a relationship. 

When the attraction is at a “10”, you have peak levels of dopamine and you can’t see the person for who they are. The attraction is fueled by your fantasies. You feel so great about this person, they seem to be perfect. It also stops you from being your most authentic self. The problem is the peak chemistry can and usually does dip quickly.

It’s much healthier to begin with attraction that’s a “5” or “6” and build on it.

When it’s a “10”, women often become so blinded, they allow a man to mistreat them. Men test you out. They’ll sleep with you, but do they think you have potential to be good partner? That’s something you show them when you value yourself and know what you want in a relationship. 

2. When is a good time to have sex?

There’s no clear “one size fits all” formula about three dates or three months. Take your time. I tell my clients to look back on previous relationships. When was the point when you were sure you wanted to be in a relationship with that person? That’s what you should base your decision on about when to sleep with him.

3. How can women avoid getting involved in dead-end relationships with guys who have no intention of getting into a long-term commitment?

Watch for what men do rather than what they say. When a man is feeling passionate about you, he can say lovely things, but he may mean something totally different than what you might think. Men take a longer time to become vulnerable. Men take a longer time to commit. Women initiate over 70% of breakups. So men are afraid. Find out what type of commitment he’s talking about if he is making a commitment—for a day, a week, a lifetime? Think about what your future goals are and stick to those. 

4. What are the most common dating misunderstandings between women and men? 

1. Women feel they need to take charge and be in control of the trajectory of the relationship. Especially initially, women often want to pursue a good man. The problem is, only one person in the equation is the pursuer. If you pursue him, he won’t pursue you. Men love women and love being with our feminine energy, our bodies, our presence. Being there and being playful and positive is what you need to do for him to want to provide dates for you and make you happy. One of a man’s basic goals when he likes/loves a woman is to make her happy. Appreciate what he does. You don’t need to pay him back tit for tat. Men get satisfaction by providing things for us: dates, plans. 

2. Men and women communicate and connect differently. Women communicate and connect by talking. Men connect by doing things together. What happens on dates is that we ask and answer personal questions. It’s better for us to be a little mysterious. Men are turned on by challenges, mystery, sexual attractions, etc. When they don’t know everything about us, it gives them things to come back for. On a first date, focus on having fun for right now. You can ask personal questions later if there’s a second or third or fourth date. Enjoy and appreciate each other for now. Appreciate his planning, that he came to where you agree to meet (allow him to come as close to you as possible. Don’t compromise). Pay him back with appreciation. 

3. When guys talk a lot about themselves, he’s being a peacock, trying hard to impress you. He’s doing it in the male way. He’s not necessarily self-osbsessed. Women talk to connect, men talk to inform. They get to the point. So don’t judge him as being self-involved. Understand that he’s being a man.

4. The man in your life is not going to be someone you can talk with like your girlfriends. We often talk so much, and a man doesn’t have the same way of seeing the world. Receive the way he sees the world and appreciate it. Don’t expect him to be your girlfriend. Appreciate him for who he is. 

To listen to the entire episode, click here. 

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