Virtuous Masculinity and Femininity vs. Toxic Masculinity

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Toxic Masculinity

You’ve probably heard about toxic masculinity. In this week’s podcast, Scot and Emily McKay speak about virtuous masculinity and femininity.

My podcast guests, Scot and Emily McKay, are professional dating and relationship coaches, authors and podcast hosts. Together they founded X & Y Communications, which focuses on equipping and empowering men and women who want to go from good to great in their relationships.

They reach over 300,000 people all over the world through their newsletters, podcasts and social media. They are the authors of ten books between them, including four Amazon #1 bestsellers, and have been featured by over 400 media outlets worldwide.

Both Scot and Emily are Traveler’s Century Club members, having explored well over 100 countries together, often with their four children. Their travel blog and podcast can be found at

Check out highlights below for EP349: Virtuous Masculinity and Femininity vs. “Toxic Masculinity”.

Virtuous Masculinity and Femininity vs. Toxic Masculinity

Listen to/download this episode here:

According to the URBAN DICTIONARY, the definition for Toxic Masculinity is:

“A social science term that describes narrow repressive type of ideas about the male gender role, that defines masculinity as exaggerated masculine traits like being violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth. Also suggests that men who act too emotional or maybe aren’t violent enough or don’t do all of the things that “real men” do, can get their “man card” taken away.”

Scot and Emily, how do you define Toxic Masculinity?

Scot: It’s a term being weaponized against men. Most guys are good men. Masculinity is not toxic. It’s daunting to men to be described this way. Men are not taught how to be ‘better’. I believe in order for something to be corrupted, it had to be virtuous to begin with.

Here’s the problem with the Gillette commercial on Toxic Masculinity from the Superbowl: it looks good on the surface, but it shows men doing ‘normal’ things that men enjoy and conflates that with toxicity. Like the barbecue scene. Repeating the toxic mantra, ‘boys will be boys’. What else would they be? When repeated, they mean being a boy is inherently a bad thing and you need to fix it.

The alternative is to become ‘feminine’. Girls should go after the virtuous masculine qualities. Men are told to go after virtuous feminine qualities.

Emily: There’s a healthy balance. Men are afraid to approach women. Both men and women are capable of doing terrible things to each other. There are good people out there and they’re wonderful to date. If something bad happens, it doesn’t mean all people are bad.

A lot of women have been fostering negativity towards men. There are good men who want to protect us and have our best interests.

We invite what we believe. If you believe all men are jerks, you’re inviting that in your life. If you go to a public venue, and you see men, and you have arms crossed and a look on your face that men are ‘evil’, a good guy won’t take the risk and approach you. The abusers will approach. I recommend you change your point of view. Happy, healthy people want to be around you if you change your mindset.

I verbalized I wanted a good man. I said, I believe I will find someone great, and that’s how I met Scot. Make yourself visible in public. Smile, have open body language, and talk to everyone. Open a little bit each time.

What is virtuous masculinity and femininity?

Scot: Femininity is the higher calling; fun, nurturing, warmth, everything you look forward to on the weekend.

Masculinity is being heroes, protectors, and providers. We are the safe containers for the feminine.

In the modern world we live in, there is no pending doom. We don’t have to provide and protect in such profound ways, and what it comes down to is the main purpose of femininity and masculinity, which is sexual attraction. There is a sexual polarity that feels right, and it’s what helps turn us on.

What people are fighting is a tsunami of sexual power of grand proportion which keeps the human race procreating.

What advice can you share with our audience about how they can go on their last first date?

Scot: I believe men and women should fully embrace their masculinity and femininity. We’re more alike than different. I promise men are more similar to you than a chimpanzee. Be optimistic and giving. Deserve what you want.

Emily: I love being a woman. Embrace your feminine side. When you find the right person, you share the joy and energy. It’s a reality. We wouldn’t be doing this if we didn’t think you could accomplish this.

Free gifts from Emily and Scot!

From Emily for women: Letters from friends. Heartfelt answers to the most confusing and frustrating questions about men, dating, and relationships. Based on letters contributed by real women all over the world.

From Scot for men: Get your free copy of Scot’s book Deserve What You Want.

Please take a moment to rate and review our show on iTunes here. Thank you!

Want to finally attract the epic love you deserve? Schedule your complimentary 1/2 hour Love Breakthrough Session. Learn how coaching with Sandy can help you fall in love with a partner who meets you on every level.


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