She Wants to Know: Does He Love Me?

Posted by in love after 40 | 2 comments

does he love meDear Sandy,

I have a question about a man I know. He has flirted with me, stares at me across the room, looks me up and down, stares at my face, lingers around me, asks trivial questions, says my name all the time, gets nervous and blushes around me, big smiles, jokes around. But one day he mentioned his girlfriend. It was forced and not related to the conversation. Since then, he has been intentionally rude to me, ignores me and glares at me – yet continues to stare at me across the room and try and get my attention. What is his deal? Does he love me or hate me? Thank you for your time.


Dear Jasmine,

“Does he love me?” you asked. You say he’s attentive, he stares at you, and he gets nervous around you. I’m not sure how old you are, but when I was in my teens and early twenties, I used to confuse attention for love, too. Just because a man stares at you and blushes when he’s around you does not mean he loves you. He probably likes you. He flirts with you. He thinks you’re hot. But that’s not love.

Shakespeare defines love in A Midsummer Night’s Dream:

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.”

Love is much deeper than flirting, blushing, and attention. Love is about giving as well as receiving. It’s about being vulnerable in a relationship that develops over time. It’s about being an alignment with someone’s values, sharing a world view, and being physically attracted. Love is complex.

Does he love me?

No, Jasmine, he does not love you. He might lust for you. He might think you’re sexy. But flirting is not love. Attention is not love.

A little flirting is harmless. But a man who is intentionally rude to you? I suggest that you stop hanging out with him. Spend time with people who are kind, who treat you with the respect you deserve.

And when you’re in a truly loving relationship, you will not have to ask, “Does he love me?”





  1. Thank you for your answer Sandy. I know he doesn’t love me, maybe I should have worded it differently. I just wondered why after mentioning his girlfriend he got angry with me. I wondered why would he act like he hates me, and if he maybe had some sort of feelings for me. I’ve found it difficult when he’s rude to me because I think of him so highly. When he mentioned his girlfriend he stared at me for my reaction, and when I didn’t say anything he looked angry. It made me feel awful as if I was chasing him or something which I’m not. Anyway thanks for your help. Jasmine.

  2. Jasmine,
    Thanks for reframing your question. Sounds like he was hoping you’d be upset that he had a girlfriend, and when you weren’t, his ego was bruised. A good guy doesn’t test a woman like this. I am wondering, what about him do you admire? What makes you think so highly of him?

    Remember to always look first at a man’s character; his kindness, consistency, and reliability. It doesn’t matter if he’s bright, exciting, and fun if he’s missing any of those qualities of good character.

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