What it Means to Lean Back in Dating

Posted by in communication skills in dating, understanding men over 40 | 0 comments

lean back in dating

Do you believe women should ‘lean back’ in dating? In this video, learn how leaning back can actually keep you from true love.


‘Lean back’ is a term used by many dating experts. Some say it means women shouldn’t initiate anything with men. Let men chase women. They believe it’s natural for men to be the pursuer and the protector. So, men should be excited to win you over, because you are the prize.

The problem I have with this definition of leaning back is it has women step into roles that are inauthentic and fake. Women become passive and anxious, relinquishing all control, waiting for men to initiate everything. This is in complete opposition to most women’s natural tendencies to take charge of everything else in their lives.

Don’t even get me started about women being the PRIZE. If women are the prize, what does that make men? And what makes women the prize and not men? Don’t women and men both have value? And doesn’t that set women up to look down on the very men who they want to pursue and claim them?

Even if you did lean back and let a man chase you – aka the prize – it doesn’t guarantee he will value you in the long run. In fact, many men who play this cat and mouse game are on to the next chase once they get the prize. Ouch!

I believe in a different, healthier, more realistic definition of leaning back in dating.

The Last First Date Way of Leaning Back

1. Tell men what you want, what you like, and what turns you on. THEN lean back and see if he follows through. EXAMPLE: If you like when men plan dates, tell them. I like to say I run a business and take charge all day, and I love when men plan. Then, lean back, and see what he does with that information. 

2. Don’t over-give when you first start dating, hoping a man will love you more. So many women will cook a man an elaborate meal on the second date, offer to drive an hour on the first date to meet him instead of meeting him half-way or seeing if he’s willing to drive to you the first time, or they bring gifts before they even know, like, and trust the man. If you want a man to make an effort with you, lean back a bit. See if there’s an equal investment on his part of time, energy, affection, and attention. 

3. Detach from the outcome. Leaning back also means being chill and not being attached to a certain outcome on each date, like hoping he’s the one, or even that you’ll have an incredible date. Detaching means stop overthinking, overanalyzing, and future planning. Let the relationship unfold naturally, without trying to force anything.

Relationships are about give and take. Men are not mind readers. We need to let them know what we like and don’t like, then lean back and see if they respect what’s important to us. We also need to learn what they like and don’t like. 

Men and women have worth, but we’re not prizes to win at a carnival. Don’t lose yourself in leaning back the antiquated way. Step into your true self and be direct, warm, receptive and present. Then lean back and see if he can meet you where you are.

That’s my definition of leaning back. What’s yours?

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to find the love of your life, apply for a complimentary 1/2 hour breakthrough session with Sandy here: https://lastfirstdate.com/application

If you want to go deeper with Sandy about this topic and many others in a warm, intimate group setting, check out the Woman of Value Club monthly membership group. Great value/low price!

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