What NOT to Say When Your Feelings Are Hurt

Posted by in communication skills in dating, dating in midlife, understanding men over 40 | 0 comments


feelings are hurtDon’t you wish you always knew what to say when your feelings are hurt? It’s also important to know what NOT to say…

When my feeling are hurt, I know how to effectively communicate with grace and compassion. But, that wasn’t always the case. In the past, when I felt hurt or misunderstood, I’d have two basic modes of communication: shut down or get defensive. Neither is very effective. I had no idea how to express my hurt feelings without turning a man off.

I had the same issue in my non-romantic relationships. Whether it was a family member, a friend, or my boss who wrongly accusing me of something, I would be at a loss for the right words to say. I’d be flooded with emotion and just freeze.

I knew what I didn’t want to do—yell or slink away in silence. What I yearned for was to remain connected and empowered, feel heard, and be open for feedback. After studying communication skills for over a decade, I’ve finally learned how to effectively express hurt feelings, especially when to text and when to talk in person. I’ve also learned what NOT to say when my feelings are hurt.

I’ve been following a dating/relationship expert for a few years, and I think she generally gives good advice. In a recent free report, she gave such bad advice on how to relate to men, I felt a need to talk about it here. My intention is not to bash her. She has a huge following, and believe she’s helped thousands of women transform their relationships. I am writing because I think her scripts on communication with men are such bad advice, I wouldn’t want you to try it in your relationships.

What NOT to say when feelings are hurt?

The expert provided the following script it to make it easier for a woman to express hurt feelings when her man hasn’t given her the affection/attention/sex she desires.

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There are so many thing wrong with this script, where do I begin?

  • How about “I’m just a girl here”. JUST a girl? To me, this implies that you’re a meek little girl who’s helpless, dazed and confused. You are not inferior to your man. You are equal in importance. This kind of talk is a throwback to pre-women’s lib 1950’s “Mad Men” type relationships. Women have fought hard for independence and equal status. So Ms. Expert, please don’t encourage women to go back in time and act like demure inferior beings.
  • “I feel confused and weird and bad…” That statement is disempowering and weak. Be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. The men I know want women to be straight with them. No beating around the bush. Say you are upset and tell him why.
  • “Girls need affection, attention, sex…” Okay, stop calling yourself a girl! You’re a woman. Speak in first person. “I need attention!” “I need affection!” “I need sex, baby!”

Ladies, you are grownups capable of talking like the amazing, strong women you are. For tips on how to have a real conversation that will have a man respect and cherish and value you, click here to read my article in Better After 50. I outline five easy steps to speaking up when your feelings are hurt.

Practice these steps and I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll have better communication with EVERYONE in your life. Because you’re an amazing woman, not just a girl who’s dazed and confused.


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