What to Do (and NOT Do) When a He Pulls Away

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he pulls away

You’re dating someone, and he pulls away. Ouch! What do you do (and not do) when that happens? Watch this video to find out.

You’re dating someone, things seem to be going great, when suddenly he pulls away. The texting is less frequent or stops altogether. He’s not asking you out for another date. What’s going on? Why do men pull away? And what do you do – and not do – when he does?

Why do men pull away?

There are two common reasons for men to begin to communicate less often:

1. He’s busy and needs some space

2. He’s losing interest in you

Reason #1, if he’s busy and needs space, I recommend getting curious about what that means to him. How busy? Too busy to see you? What does ‘space’ mean? How long does he need? Is this a reason to break up, date others, or simply wait it out. Those are things to consider when a man needs space.

Reason #2, he’s losing interest in you, is much more common. If that’s the case, it can feel hurtful and painful. You may have developed strong feelings for him. You might be planning a future, often before there’s enough in the present to know him well enough to see a future. 

As hard as it is to accept that he’s pulling away due to lack of interest, I want you to process this before reacting in any way.

What NOT to do when he loses interest

1. Don’t try to win him back

2. Don’t ruminate and overthink about what you might have done wrong

3. Don’t lash out at him

What to do if he pulls away

1. Communicate with him. Instead of getting lost in your thoughts, send him a simple text: “I noticed a change in your communication. Is there something you want to discuss with me?” This puts you back in your power. If he is willing to talk to you about what’s going on for him, you can have a conversation that might bring you closer. It also might end things, but you’ll have closure. 

2. Practice self-compassion. If he disappears and ghosts you, ouch! This is one of the hardest things to deal with. In this case, I recommend practicing self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. 

I love this exercise from Kristen Neff, the queen of self-compassion:

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness. Other options include:

  • This hurts.
  • Ouch.
  • This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity. Other options include:

  • Other people feel this way.
  • I’m not alone.
  • We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

  • May I give myself the compassion that I need.
  • May I learn to accept myself as I am.
  • May I forgive myself.
  • May I be strong.
  • May I be patient.

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

Have you ever dated a man who began to pull away? What did you do? Please share in the comments below.


If you’re curious about how coaching can help you work through issues like trust, hyper-vigilance, anxiety, shyness, repeated dysfunctional patterns in dating and more, let’s talk! I offer a complimentary 45-minute breakthrough session to anyone who’s seriously interested in working with me. Apply here: https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join the Woman of Value Club, where we have a monthly masterclass on topics like this one. Learn more and join here: https://lastfirstdate.com/the-woman-of-value-club/

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Check out my books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating: Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love.

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