When and How to Define the Relationship

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define the relationship

Confused about WHEN to define the relationship? Or HOW to have that conversation? Check out this video to learn when and how to DTR!

Have you ever been afraid to define the relationship (DTR)? Have you wondered when is the best time to DTR? In this video, you’ll discover when and how to have the relationship talk with the person you’re dating.

When and How to Define the Relationship

Why it’s important to define the relationship

  • Clarify what you both need and want = less confusion and heartbreak
  • Set clear boundaries so there are fewer misunderstandings
  • Make sure you’re both on the same page about the relationship
    • Commitment
    • Exclusivity
    • Emotional investment

NOTE: Relationships don’t look the same for everyone, so it’s important to know what works for you and what you need from a person you’re dating.

DTR conversations are agreements between two people who are dating.

They can be about agreeing on:

  • Exclusivity
  • Casual dating
  • Friends with benefits


  • Based on personal feeling after knowing someone for some time
  • Not influenced by what other people think is the right time
  • Look for signs that the person you’re dating is on the same page
  • Look for consistency, investment of time and energy, making you a priority


Prepare for the conversation by asking yourself some questions and scripting what you want to say.

1. How do you feel when you’re with this person?

  • Are you happy?
  • Are you anxious about where you stand? 
  • Do you feel stuck and stagnant?

2. What type of relationship do you want?

  • What do you want out of this specific relationship? 

3. Script the conversation

  • Don’t say, “We need to talk!”, as it puts the person on the defensive
  • Start with what you like about them
  • Use “I” statements; “I’m really enjoying the time we spend together, and I’ve decided I want to stop dating other men, so I can focus on getting to know you better.” 
  • Be specific about defining what the relationship looks like to you
  • Ask what they want

4. Listen and ask open-ended questions

  • “What do you think?” 
  • “How do you feel about that?”
  • “Tell me more…”

5. Be ready for any response

  • If they are on the same page, what are next steps?
  • If they’re not on the same page, what will you do?
  • Know your bottom line

Have an open mind and detach from the outcome. If you do define the relationship and you’re both on the same page, that’s great! No more guessing or anxiety about how you both feel. And, it’s not a one and done convo. This is a conversation you will want to revisit from time to time, as feelings can change over time.

Relationships are a living thing. The more open and honest your communication is, the better you’ll both feel.

Have you ever been afraid to define the relationship? Leave a comment and let me know…

If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to find your last first date, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application

Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate

Get a copy of Sandy’s book, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love.


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