Where Are All The Good Men?
I hear it all the time from women…where are all the good men? Dr. Dain Heer is an excellent role model for the type of man you want to date.
My podcast guest, Dr. Dain Heer, spoke about the dangers of the alpha male mentality and the return of good men. He’s a bestselling author, internationally renowned speaker, and a co-creator and leading facilitator of Access Consciousness®, a personal development modality available in more than 170 countries that has contributed to changing the lives of tens of thousands of people.
Dr. Heer draws upon his personal background and unique perspective to facilitate positive change in the world, and to empower people from every culture, country, age and social strata to create the life they truly desire.
Check out highlights below for EP343: The Dangers of the Alpha Male Mentality with Dr. Dain Heer.
So…where ARE all the good men?
Why did you write this book?
About three years ago, I was presenting at an event, and a 23-year-old guy came up to me and said, “Thank you. I had been searching for how to be true to myself in relationships. [In the media], I had only seen how to get girls. But, not how to be authentically me. Until I met you.”
I wrote Return of the Gentleman based on a series of Zoom conferences I held for men. Men told me they felt like they could be themselves again. They said, “I’m not alone”. “I can be a success by being me.”
Women wrote, “I’m starting to get the man back that I married. I’m making my partner wrong much less, because I understand him.”
What do you think today’s man is missing more than anything?
There tend to be two types of men. The stereotypical alpha male who enforces everything with force. Then there are the other men who are wondering how they’re somehow wrong for being men. They have no idea who they are. Gender roles have changed so much in the last 50 years. Men have not been allowed to show emotions. They desire to be kind to women who like them and want to have sex with them.
Men have no idea as to how to be. Women can be attracted to [alpha] men who seem to have strength, but they also are egotistical and care mostly about themselves.
The good men get put into the friend zone, as they’re not attractive to you. We want what we can’t have. We need to widen our scope of what we’re looking for. As women, you have to change our stereotype of who we’re attracted to. You want to be with good men, men who are caring, kind, contribute, and values–not judges–you.
How would you suggest women change their attraction to ‘good men’?
If we look at what we call attraction, it’s something like looking across the room and falling for someone. The true meaning of ‘passion’ is ultimate suffering. The projections we have about attraction are killing us. It’s important to realize most of our points of view of attraction are handed down by society, our parents, how we grew up.
Write down what you find attractive in a man. Ask yourself, “What did I get from my mom, my dad, and the three most influential people in my life.” Realize whose point of view you’ve adapted.
Your truth makes you lighter. Scratch off whatever doesn’t make you lighter. Ask yourself, “If I were truly being me, what would I choose?” As you start to get clear, you find different aspects become attractive to you.
Ask yourself, “Is this true? Is this true for me? What if it weren’t true?”
Then, when you’re with men, get curious. Be in the question rather than the conclusion. How to ask the questions: “I’m really confused. Can you help me please? What did you mean by __?” This takes down the walls of judgment.
What are the signs that a good man is being his authentic self?
He likes himself. He’s not pretending to be something he’s not. He has intimacy with himself.
You have your own back. You don’t judge yourself. You know what’s true for you. And you have authentic conversations. If only one partner is authentic and has done the deeper work, they can help the other rise up to be their best self. Our partner doesn’t have to do what we’re doing.
If they’re supporting and contributing to you as you’re changing, it’s okay if they’re not on the same page. Stop judging them. Be grateful.
If you change and your partner is frustrated they can’t control you, it’s good that you’re changing, and it’s not someone you should be with, as they’re not going to create a better future with you. Most people get into a relationship with the back door open. These people are almost daring the other person to change so you can have permission to leave.
What’s one last word of advice you can give our audience so they can go on their last first date?
It boils down to loving yourself first. The five elements of intimacy are: Honoring you, trusting you, allowance of you (no right or wrong), gratitude of you (you’re a gift to yourself), and vulnerability (showing up without apology or force).
And realize this: you truly being you? You’ll be more present than anyone around. When you meet a man, one of the most seductive things is a woman who’s not judging. Then, you can see if you work together in your authenticity.
For more information on Dain’s book, Return of the Gentleman, visit: https://returnofthegentleman.com/.
Go to drdainheer.com and watch his videos and grab his free stuffhttps://drdainheer.com/.
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