Why Do All Men Want to Have Sex on a First Date?
Do all men really expect sex on a first date? Have standards changed that much since the advent of online dating, and should you just go with the flow?
I’ve recently put myself out there in the dating scene following the death of my partner. I keep hearing conflicting advice regarding men’s expectations on the first date.
I am a very youthful looking 68 year-old female. I am told I look mid-fifties, but this isn’t the point, just background info.
I grew up in the fifties and sixties with high values. I did not believe in sex on first, or even second, third or fourth dates. I am now told that men expect sex on the first date, and that I shouldn’t be shocked by that, and it no longer holds the same stigma that it once did. What’s happened to our values? Or is it just me?
I’d like to hear your thoughts and what men have to say on this subject. I’d like to know men’s opinions on the ‘respect’ aspect now that we are ‘of age’. Should I throw my ‘holding myself in high regard’ out the window?
Why Do All Men Want to Have Sex on a First Date?
I’m sorry for your loss. It can’t be easy to lose your partner, yet you’re out there dating again, and I give you credit for ‘putting yourself out there’ again. I understand your concern about men wanting sex on a first date. This is a subject that comes up quite often in my coaching practice. I’ve spoken to men and women about their points of view, and I’ll share them before stating my own opinion on this hot topic.
What women think about sex on a first date
The women who come to me for coaching want to be respected and cherished by the men they date. The reason they don’t want to have sex on a first date is because they don’t want to be objectified by men. They want to be women of value.
And the women who have slept with a man too soon bonded because of the hormones released during sex. However, they were often forgotten the next day. Unfortunately, “Slam, bam, thank you Ma’am” is still alive and well with many men.
These women go from bliss to devastation in a matter of hours. That feeling of being used, the questioning of self-worth—it’s not a good place to be.
Note that there are some women who are able to have sex right away, and they don’t get emotionally invested in a relationship. They know what they want, and they are okay if it doesn’t lead to more emotional intimacy.
What men think about sex on a first date
Men have shared with me that they almost always think about sex on a first date. They may not act upon it or say anything to you, but they are either attracted or not. If they’re not attracted, you won’t be asked out again. If they are attracted, they will probably want to make out with you and sleep with you after the first or second date.
That doesn’t make men bad or lacking good values. It makes men MEN. They are simply acting on their attraction, while women often want more of a commitment before sleeping with a man. It’s wonderful to know
What I think about sex on a first date
I believe that a woman of value sets clear standards before getting involved in a relationship. If you know your relationship standards before you get involved, you can easily set your boundaries about what you will and won’t do on a first date (or second or third date).
A man may want sex right away, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to his request.
My general principle in dating is that if you have built a level of trust with a man and you honor yourself, it’s okay to become sexually active—when you are ready.
If you want a deep loving relationship that will hopefully last, wait until you both want an exclusive relationship before hopping into bed. It’s okay to be physically intimate in other ways, but you need to be clear with your guy about what you want and need to feel safe and connected.
If a guy is moving too fast, don’t discount him as an a-hole or a jerk. He’s attracted to you, but he may not have the finesse to be classy about it.
If you like the guy, let him know. And then, you get clear with him. You take charge of your feelings and needs and tell him something like this:
“I’m flattered! I like you a lot, and I’m very attracted to you. In the past, when I’ve slept with a man too soon, it didn’t work out well. That’s why I don’t sleep with a man until we’re in an exclusive relationship. If and when that day comes, you’ll be in for the night of your life.”
Bottom line is, men may want sex, and perhaps they’re more urgent or vocal about it than you’re used to, but unless they try to force you to have sex with them (which is absolutely NOT okay), they are not bad people. They are simply MEN.
Value yourself, and a good man will wait for you to be ready to sleep with him.
P.S. If you want to find love this year, there’s nothing like group coaching to keep you accountable and give you dating tools that really work. The Woman of Value Club is my monthly membership group with a one-hour monthly topic-based master class about dating over 40, and a private forum for women to connect and share their experiences. All calls are recorded, and you get a free article and exercise every month to deepen the learning. Check it out and join here.
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