Why Do I Attract Guys Who Want Mommy?

Posted by in dating after divorce, dating in midlife, love after 40, self-esteem in dating | 0 comments

guys who want mommy


Dear Sandy,

I’m 58 years old, dating after my 26-year marriage ended in divorce. I’ve been out in the dating ‘jungle’ for about 7 years, and the older I get, the more I seem to be attracting guys who want mommy. Somehow, instead of girlfriend energy, I’m subconsciously putting out ‘mommy energy’. I don’t want to be a caretaker! I want a partnership, a sharing of give and take. Yet, somehow, I end up being the nurturer, the one he comes to for advice and help. I attract men who have no money and want me to financially rescue them. I am done with this dynamic. How do I attract a take-charge alpha male? How do I stop attracting momma’s boys who think I’m their mommy?


Dear Ivy,

Ah, guys who want mommy! I know it well. Because Ivy, I also used to attract men who wanted me to take care of them.

It’s not always so black and white. Sometimes a man will start out as charming, taking charge, asking you out, and act all alpha-like. But within a few weeks or months, the energy shifts. He starts depending on you, and you start resenting it.

Here’s my take on how “mommy energy” gets created in the first place. And how to shift it so you attract men you’re attracted to…

No More Guys Who Want Mommy!

(i.e. how to attract guy who will nurture YOU for a change)

1. Take responsibility for your share. Could be something you said, how you said it, or the way you were being around him; something created the space for him to start depending on you. Becoming hyper aware of your share in the problem is the first key to changing the dynamic for the future.

Think back on the relationship and when the mommy energy problem started. Did you try to control things, like where to eat or what to do on a date? Even subtle things like choosing the dating venue at the start of a relationship can bring out your ‘I’m in charge’ energy.

Don’t make a guy wrong! For example, he says, “Let’s meet at Joe’s Diner”, and you say, “No, I hate Joe’s Diner. Let’s go to this new Thai place that just opened. I’ve always wanted to try it.” He feels he did something wrong, and he’ll want to defer to you to choose the next restaurant or make future plans. And then you complain that he doesn’t take charge. He’s confused!! Do you see what I mean?

2. Learn to receive. Whether it’s allowing a guy to travel to you for a first date, pay for dinner, make the first move… whatever it is, don’t take charge. Let him give to you. Be gracious. Say thank you, I really appreciate that you traveled an hour to see me! And that’s it. No feeling guilty. No feeling like you have to now overcompensate and do more for him because he made an effort. When you receive and allow a man to step up, he will value you more.

3. Stop being so damned competent. If you show a man that you’ve got it all together all the time—your life is really full, you can solve your own problems, and even fix the broken toilet—he’ll have two basic choices. a) He can come to you to make his life better (do I hear Mommy Energy???) or b) He won’t see his place in your life and he’ll leave.

If you ask for help, show your vulnerability, and basically expose yourself for the human that you are, you will attract a man who wants to help you, support you, and partner with you. And isn’t that what you want?

So please, ladies, start inviting a quality good-hearted man into your life. Begin by following these three steps, and you’ll be able to say goodbye to guys who want mommy (and hello to the men you like).


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