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Why Does He Still Have His Profile Up? | Last First Date

Why Does He Still Have His Profile Up?

Posted by in breaking up with grace, dating in midlife, online dating after 40 | 7 comments

why does he have his profile upHi Sandy,

I’ve been dating a widower since July. We’ve been exclusive since August. He loved his wife very much and this relationship has grown one step at a time. He has tried to walk away from me 3 times but came back. He still has a Match.com profile. He told me he is absolutely not looking to date anyone. He just likes the attention. It is a sore subject.  We fought about it and I let it go.

We are together every weekend, and he has a very demanding job. I know he’s not dating anyone else. If we’re exclusive, why does he have his profile up?

Leanna

Dear Leanna,

Dating a widower can be a bit tricky. Many women can’t handle the shadow of the deceased spouse. They feel they will never take the place of his wife, so they don’t even try. Your beaux loved his wife very much, but was willing to date you exclusively after a month. And you’ve developed intimacy very slowly. From what you’ve shared with me, you seem to have done many smart things in your relationship so far.

  • You acknowledged that he had a wonderful loving relationship with his deceased wife.
  • You realized that slow and steady is a good way to build a relationship.
  • You’ve spoken with him about your concern about his active Match profile.

You seem to be very patient about the pace of the relationship, the demands of his job, and the frequency of your dates. Patience is a very important aspect of the relationship process.

Yet, you’re concerned. If you’re exclusive, why does he still have his profile up?

He seems to want an open portal for attention from other women. I imagine that he likes knowing that women find him desirable. After a long marriage, it’s understandable that he wouldn’t want to shut the door on all other women so quickly.

Here’s the thing, Leanna. He walked away three times. Why does he still have his profile up? When men keep their profile up, it’s usually because they’re not fully committed. Sure, he’s exclusive. He’s not dating anyone else. What he has with you is comfortable and feels good, but he’s not choosing you as his special woman. A guy who is ready for a committed relationship shuts his profile down. He doesn’t leave it open for the attention from other women.

I have a few questions for you. How do you feel when you’re with him? And more important, how do you feel when you’re NOT with him? Do you feel safe? Do you feel confident that he truly cares about you? Do you feel cherished?

If the answer to those questions is “no” or “I’m not sure”, he’s not the right man for you. If you want a lifetime relationship, you need to find a man who wants the same thing.

He’s probably a lovely guy. But he’s not committed to only you. And if that doesn’t work for you, it’s time to say “NEXT!”

Hugs,

Sandy

Comments

7 Comments

  1. NEXT

  2. Not committed is not committed. The likelihood is that if someone else comes along that he likes more, you are out. He is old enough to understand the concept. Divorced or otherness he is not committed.

    You can take a chance and wait and maybe you will become such a strong habit that the relationship will last however lingering there will be that feeling that he is not 100% into you. And you can avoid going back online yourself and dating him without sex as that really doesn’t change that he is not committed. You have been back and forth three times and that is three times too many in my mind.

    Moving on now might be easier for you than later so think about doing it now.

    I am in a committed relationship however I still read Sandy’s emails. My profile is down and I don’t look online at other women. Sure it is tempting to be there however it is not he conduct that seems like an investment in a great relationship. Doing so would cause aggravation for my girlfriend and as I care for her so much I just don’t do it. Your guy doesn’t even have that basic concern for your feelings and he has to go.

  3. Thank you for your wise words, @Beach Guy. Not sure if she’ll become such a strong habit that he realizes what he has, not what he’s missing. She’ll probably never know unless she leaves him or starts dating other men.

    I admire your values. You have a wonderful woman and you’re not looking outside the relationship for attention. She’s lucky to have you, and you’re lucky to be with such a wonderful woman. Leanne can have a man like that, too. She just needs to stop accepting the behavior of men who are not all in after 10 months…

  4. This is a toughie because he does sound like he is a pretty good guy and meets many of your needs. But I think every woman has a built-in radar that tells her “He should have decided by now whether I’m the one.” I do, and I trust it. Commitment is commitment. If you stayed with him, you would be short changing yourself.

  5. Henrietta,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Your radar — or intuition — in dating is very important. Follow your gut, but also, make sure to ask for what you want. Sometimes men are on a different timeline than women, and coercing him to take his profile down will only backfire. Some men do come around, and when they do, they’re all in!

  6. Sandy, this is good advice. However, I do want to point out that it’s the exact opposite of what you gave to Leanna! You said “A guy who is ready for a committed relationship shuts his profile down.”

    I’m not calling you out, because I know that dating men is not easy, and you’re giving balanced advice. I actually had this same problem. My man was exclusive with me, he was a good family man with his kids, and he was great with mine. But after a year and a half, I wasn’t seeing what I needed to see, and the profile was part of it. So I had to break it off.

  7. Henrietta, I appreciate your comment. Allow me to clarify. I still stand by what I said, that when a man is ready for a committed relationship, he will be all in. And I stand by the fact that some men have a much slower pace than women. It’s all about how YOU feel about it, what you can live with.

    If you’ve spoken your mind, like I told Leanna, and you trust his emotional commitment to you, stay in the relationship. If you’re anxious and feel that you are all in and he’s got a foot out the door, follow your gut.

    It’s a very individual thing, and many women get impatient with a man who’s on a slower timeline. They may risk losing a great guy. But then again, they may be hanging around with a guy who will never commit. It’s hard to know. The one thing you have power over is clear communication about what you need, and being willing to walk away if you don’t get what you need. The right man will want you back. The wrong man will be done.

    Sounds like you did the difficult thing with your guy, and it was the right decision for you. Best of luck!

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