Why Doesn’t Anyone Set You Up on a Date?
Single and over 50? You might be wondering, why doesn’t anyone set you up on dates? A few years ago, a beautiful 50-something woman hired me to help her find love. Divorced for 10 years, she thought she’d have been set up by friends or would have men “organically”. It didn’t turn out exactly as she planned. She hadn’t been on A SINGLE DATE IN 10 YEARS!
Women over 50 do not meet men as easily as they did in their 20’s. Their social situation is different. They don’t meet men at a college party or socialize with as many singles as they once did.
The good news is that it’s quite possible to meet wonderful men. And it’s highly likely that one of those men will be through a setup by someone you know. But please don’t ask for a setup in the usual way. I’m going to show you how to EFFECTIVELY ask for someone to set you up.
But first, let me share a letter from a frustrated reader who wants to know why no one sets her up.
Why Doesn’t Anyone Set You Up on a Date?
I’ve had my profile up on Match.com for almost a year, and I’ve only had one or two dates. I want to find a great guy, but online dating doesn’t seem to work for me. I’ve tried just about everything else. The guys I meet at social events don’t usually ask me out. My friends don’t fix me up. I am sure my friends know men that I haven’t met. Why won’t they set me up?
I understand your frustration about the lack of men who seem available for you to date. You’re not finding dates online (if I worked with you, your inbox would be full). You’re not getting asked out at parties (you may be unintentionally giving off a negative vibe to men). And your friends are not fixing you up. Let’s talk about setups, an excellent way to meet someone. You just have to know the right way to ask.
Here’s how it usually goes down.
OLD SCHOOL WAY OF ASKING FOR A SETUP
Nancy: “Jane, I’d like to meet a great guy. Do you know some guys who might be a good match for me?”
Jane: “Nancy, you are so amazing. I wish I knew a great guy for you. You know I’d fix you up if I knew anyone. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone as incredible as you are, but I’ll keep my eyes open.”
Cue the crickets. Nothing happens, and you get frustrated.
Well, if you’ve ever networked for business, you know that the people you network with are not often the ones who do direct business with you. They are usually your referral sources.
Same goes for dating. The people you approach for setups are referral sources. They know people who know people who know people (like the old Faberge Organics shampoo commercial–you tell two friends and they’ll tell two friends…).
You need to plant seeds and brainstorm with the right people in order to be set up.
NEW SCHOOL WAY OF ASKING FOR A SETUP
This is an effective method of asking for a setup that was inspired by dating coach Rachel Greenwald, author of Have Him at Hello. Nancy contacts her friend Alice to ask for a setup, because she’s aconnector and knows tons of people.
Nancy: “Alice, I’d like to get together with you for lunch on Tuesday. I have something important to talk to you about.”
Alice: “Great, let’s meet at Shikki for sushi at noon. I can’t wait to hear about what you want to discuss. I am intrigued!”
At lunch on Tuesday:
Nancy: “I’m really interested in finding lasting love this year. I’ve tried many ways of meeting men, and haven’t yet found the right guy. You seem to know tons of people. Do you know any single guys at work who might be a good fit for me?”
Alice: “Hmmm, come to think of it, John in accounting is single. He’s good looking and seems sweet. I’ll find out more about him and get back to you.”
Nancy: “Thank you so much. What about your husband? Doesn’t he belong to Planet Fitness? Maybe he’s met some interesting guys at the gym? Would you be willing to ask him if he knows anyone who would be a good match for me?”
Alice: “What a great idea! I’ll ask him when he gets home from work tonight. I’ll let you know as soon as I have some good prospects for you.”
Nancy: “You’re such a good friend, Alice. Thank you so much. You don’t know how grateful I am that you might be able to find me some dates with quality men.”
Do you see how much more effective the new school method is?
I’m sure you have friends who are connectors. Contact one or two and ask them to lunch, dinner, or coffee. Tell them what you’re looking for in a partner, and ask them for setups using this technique. I expect an invitation to your wedding!