Why He Disappeared After One Date ~ Part II
Thanks to all who weighed in on why he disappeared Part I. As promised, here is my response to the client who is wondering why her guy disappeared after one date. I’ve included their email correspondence with my notes. I hope you can learn from this client’s disappointment and frustration. Because while you can’t control what men do, the actions and words you use do make a difference. My comments are in purple and begin with “Me:”.
She: Hi! It looks like you are new to JDate (I just joined a week ago). You are quite the Renaissance man with a very full life – and the pride you take in your sons is heart-warming. Like every woman on this site, I am looking for a mensch with a great sense of humor. So while your inbox will be flooded, I am hoping that you will write back and give me the opportunity to show you what sets me apart. (And despite this display of confidence and assertiveness, I can assure you that my humor is usually self-deprecatory, too). Oh, and in case you were wondering, I live a half hour away from you. Have a great day.
Me: She begins well with a few good references to his character and what she liked about his profile essay. She states what she’s looking for in a man, which is so important. Quality men like a woman with standards. However, she is also too self-deprecating from the first email, as illustrated in “your inbox will be flooded…I hope you will write back…I live a half-hour away”. If a guy wants to pursue you, he will jump hurdles. Don’t go out of your way to pave the way for him. Men like the chase.
He: Thank you for your kind and thoughtful message. I must confess that I find confidence and assertiveness — particularly when appropriately seasoned with humor — extremely alluring.
Me: If she’s so alluring, why don’t you take action? That would be a red flag for me. He might be a quality guy, but he’s too casual about relationships for this client. She’s serious about being in a long-term relationship. He might be playing the field.
She: Alluring, hmmm. I guess you could call me alluring. I really like guys who are so perceptive. Where do we go from here?
He: No response….
Me: She is adorable, using humor. All good. Then she asks him what’s next and he doesn’t respond. That is another indication of his lack of interest.
She: (5 days later) I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t hear back from you. I asked the advice of a friend how to respond to you and he fed me a couple of lines which really didn’t reflect who I truly am.
Anyway, I just wanted to wish you well in your search.
He: You are an incredibly thoughtful, kind, and down-to-earth — and alluring — person. You have the justified self-confidence to articulate your feelings with staggering honesty. You deserve every happiness you seek.
Me: Again, no call to action. Nice words, but all fluff at this point.
She: Thanks for the kind words. It’s just unfortunate that few men will even take a chance on a 5-minute phone call. I am definitely worth knowing – whether it be a love interest or a friend. But I am not naive – the competition among women online is fierce – and the younger women certainly have a leg up. Anyway, it was sweet of you to take the time to contact me and I sincerely hope you find love again.
Me: I love how assertive she is. She took a risk. But again, the self-deprecation and negativity shows up. It’s important to stay positive and confident in the value you bring to the table, not just focusing on his value.
He: I wouldn’t be much of a mensch — humorous or otherwise — if I left things as they now are. Are you available to meet for dinner Friday night at whatever is your favorite restaurant in your neck of the woods?
Me: Wow, he stepped it up! But, the red flag for me is that he went from nothing to asking her out. No phone call. She is going to meet him without ever speaking to him?
She: Oh, no…. I really wasn’t trying to “guilt” you into an invitation. Honestly. 🙂
I would gladly settle for the “5 minute phone call” but if you would like to get together, I would be happy to meet you somewhere in ****** which would be more convenient for you. It’s the least I can do for someone who is willing to go out on a limb.
Me: Self-deprecating again. He asked you out. Why are you apologizing or feeling bad? Say thank you. Don’t make it easier or more convenient for him. This makes you look less confident, like you’re the chaser. He wants to chase you, let him. Enough said…
He: I’m a lawyer; I’m impervious to guilt. And I don’t mind going out on a limb plus 30 minutes, so please tell me the place at your end that you enjoy most and I’ll make an 8:15 PM reservation (and I’m paying and that is non-negotiable) and I’ll confirm after I do.
She: Wow! I like a take-charge guy. Cafe of Love in ******…? Let me know if that is OK and thanks so much!
Me: Finally, a compliment and a thank you! Well done!
He: We have a reservation for two under my name on Friday at 7:45 pm (nothing was available between then and 9pm) at Cafe of Love (a far better choice, by the way, than Cafe of War, which I understand is not doing as well). See you there.
She: Well, you have already demonstrated that you are a mensch to the nth degree – and humorous, too. Yeah, I heard Cafe of War is closing due to the excessive food fights.
Me: Adorable exchange. Fun, taking charge, chivalrous. All good. But still no phone call…
She (again): Please feel free to change the venue. I don’t want you to rush to meet me at 7:45. I would be happy to meet you anywhere at 8:15. Just let me know.
Me: Argh!! More apologies. Are you noticing a pattern here? Thank you would have sufficed.
He: I appreciate your thinking of me, but it will be fine. I often leave work at 5 on Fridays, and making the 5:34 that gets to ****** at 6:16 will be easy unless Mr. Softee intervenes. I will be out the door en route to ******* by 7 unless I stop to shave my legs, highlight my hair, or pick up a new outfit at Mandees, none of which I will do unless you insist.
She was a little perplexed at some of the things he said in that last email (shave your legs?), but thought that the date went very well. She said there was every indication that the guy was interested because:
(1) he told her that she looked much better in person.
(2) he was laughing all throughout dinner.
(3) when she mentioned that she was fortunate to have met guy friends from online dating sites, he said he hoped that wasn’t her intention with him.
(4) during dinner he actually stopped at one point and said, “I REALLY like you”.
(5) he asked her to take a walk after dinner.
(6) he told her he wanted to see her again when they parted and asked her to email him her contact info (he didn’t even know her last name or have her cellphone or home # or email address.)
(7) when she sent him the info in a cute email when she got home (and also used it as an opportunity to thank him again), his response was:
SUBJECT: I had a great time
You beat me to the punch. But I knew you would. You are an incredible person, and I did not want our evening to end. I look forward to seeing you again. For now, I leave you with a bedtime story that’s all about teachers, second chances, and what happens when good people connect.
She emailed back telling him how beautifully written it was and how much it moved her – and asked a simple “yes” or “no” question about it.
And he never wrote back to say “thank you”. Disappeared into thin air. What happened?
To sum up, I she apologized and put herself down too much from the get go. She put him on a pedestal, offering to jump through hoops for him, instead of sitting back and letting him chase her, value her, respect and cherish her as he got to know her.
Ladies, you must believe in yourself and the value you bring to a relationship. A good man with self-confidence will be drawn to your inner strength like a moth to a flame.
And while this way of dating may seem old fashioned to some of you, the truth is that it’s not about being anti-feminist. It’s about women believing in their intrinsic value. That’s more sexy than just about anything!
Agree? Disagree? I want to hear your thoughts!
And if you want a sure fire way to turn around your online dating success, click here to read my FREE report, The #1 mistake you’re making in your online profile… and how to immediately turn it around.