Why He Disappeared After One Date ~ Part II

Posted by in first date success, online dating after 40, self-esteem in dating | 3 comments

why he disappearedThanks to all who weighed in on why he disappeared Part I. As promised, here is my response to the client who is wondering why her guy disappeared after one date. I’ve included their email correspondence with my notes. I hope you can learn from this client’s disappointment and frustration. Because while you can’t control what men do, the actions and words you use do make a difference. My comments are in purple and begin with “Me:”.

She: Hi! It looks like you are new to JDate (I just joined a week ago). You are quite the Renaissance man with a very full life – and the pride you take in your sons is heart-warming. Like every woman on this site, I am looking for a mensch with a great sense of humor. So while your inbox will be flooded, I am hoping that you will write back and give me the opportunity to show you what sets me apart. (And despite this display of confidence and assertiveness, I can assure you that my humor is usually self-deprecatory, too). Oh, and in case you were wondering, I live a half hour away from you. Have a great day.

Me: She begins well with a few good references to his character and what she liked about his profile essay. She states what she’s looking for in a man, which is so important. Quality men like a woman with standards. However, she is also too self-deprecating from the first email, as illustrated in “your inbox will be flooded…I hope you will write back…I live a half-hour away”. If a guy wants to pursue you, he will jump hurdles. Don’t go out of your way to pave the way for him. Men like the chase.

He: Thank you for your kind and thoughtful message. I must confess that I find confidence and assertiveness — particularly when appropriately seasoned with humor — extremely alluring.

Me: If she’s so alluring, why don’t you take action? That would be a red flag for me. He might be a quality guy, but he’s too casual about relationships for this client. She’s serious about being in a long-term relationship. He might be playing the field. 

She: Alluring, hmmm. I guess you could call me alluring. I really like guys who are so perceptive. Where do we go from here? 

He: No response….

Me: She is adorable, using humor. All good. Then she asks him what’s next and he doesn’t respond. That is another indication of his lack of interest.

She: (5 days later) I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t hear back from you. I asked the advice of a friend how to respond to you and he fed me a couple of lines which really didn’t reflect who I truly am. 

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you well in your search. 

He: You are an incredibly thoughtful, kind, and down-to-earth — and alluring — person. You have the justified self-confidence to articulate your feelings with staggering honesty. You deserve every happiness you seek.

Me: Again, no call to action. Nice words, but all fluff at this point.

She: Thanks for the kind words. It’s just unfortunate that few men will even take a chance on a 5-minute phone call. I am definitely worth knowing – whether it be a love interest or a friend. But I am not naive – the competition among women online is fierce – and the younger women certainly have a leg up. Anyway, it was sweet of you to take the time to contact me and I sincerely hope you find love again. 

Me: I love how assertive she is. She took a risk. But again, the self-deprecation and negativity shows up. It’s important to stay positive and confident in the value you bring to the table, not just focusing on his value.

He: I wouldn’t be much of a mensch — humorous or otherwise — if I left things as they now are. Are you available to meet for dinner Friday night at whatever is your favorite restaurant in your neck of the woods?

Me: Wow, he stepped it up! But, the red flag for me is that he went from nothing to asking her out. No phone call. She is going to meet him without ever speaking to him?

She: Oh, no…. I really wasn’t trying to “guilt” you into an invitation. Honestly. 🙂 

I would gladly settle for the “5 minute phone call” but if you would like to get together, I would be happy to meet you somewhere in ****** which would be more convenient for you. It’s the least I can do for someone who is willing to go out on a limb. 

Me: Self-deprecating again. He asked you out. Why are you apologizing or feeling bad? Say thank you. Don’t make it easier or more convenient for him. This makes you look less confident, like you’re the chaser. He wants to chase you, let him. Enough said…

He: I’m a lawyer; I’m impervious to guilt. And I don’t mind going out on a limb plus 30 minutes, so please tell me the place at your end that you enjoy most and I’ll make an 8:15 PM reservation (and I’m paying and that is non-negotiable) and I’ll confirm after I do.

She: Wow! I like a take-charge guy. Cafe of Love in ******…? Let me know if that is OK and thanks so much! 

Me: Finally, a compliment and a thank you! Well done!

He: We have a reservation for two under my name on Friday at 7:45 pm (nothing was available between then and 9pm) at Cafe of Love (a far better choice, by the way, than Cafe of War, which I understand is not doing as well). See you there. 

She: Well, you have already demonstrated that you are a mensch to the nth degree – and humorous, too. Yeah, I heard Cafe of War is closing due to the excessive food fights. 

Me: Adorable exchange. Fun, taking charge, chivalrous. All good. But still no phone call…

She (again): Please feel free to change the venue. I don’t want you to rush to meet me at 7:45. I would be happy to meet you anywhere at 8:15. Just let me know. 

Me: Argh!! More apologies. Are you noticing a pattern here? Thank you would have sufficed.

He: I appreciate your thinking of me, but it will be fine. I often leave work at 5 on Fridays, and making the 5:34 that gets to ****** at 6:16 will be easy unless Mr. Softee intervenes. I will be out the door en route to ******* by 7 unless I stop to shave my legs, highlight my hair, or pick up a new outfit at Mandees, none of which I will do unless you insist. 

She was a little perplexed at some of the things he said in that last email (shave your legs?), but thought that the date went very well. She said there was every indication that the guy was interested because:

(1) he told her that she looked much better in person.

(2) he was laughing all throughout dinner.

(3) when she mentioned that she was fortunate to have met guy friends from online dating sites, he said he hoped that wasn’t her intention with him.

(4) during dinner he actually stopped at one point and said, “I REALLY like you”.

(5) he asked her to take a walk after dinner.

(6) he told her he wanted to see her again when they parted and asked her to email him her contact info (he didn’t even know her last name or have her cellphone or home # or email address.)

(7) when she sent him the info in a cute email when she got home (and also used it as an opportunity to thank him again), his response was:

SUBJECT: I had a great time

You beat me to the punch.  But I knew you would.  You are an incredible person, and I did not want our evening to end.  I look forward to seeing you again.  For now, I leave you with a bedtime story that’s all about teachers, second chances, and what happens when good people connect.

She emailed back telling him how beautifully written it was and how much it moved her – and asked a simple “yes” or “no” question about it.

And he never wrote back to say “thank you”. Disappeared into thin air. What happened?

To sum up, I she apologized and put herself down too much from the get go. She put him on a pedestal, offering to jump through hoops for him, instead of sitting back and letting him chase her, value her, respect and cherish her as he got to know her. 

Ladies, you must believe in yourself and the value you bring to a relationship. A good man with self-confidence will be drawn to your inner strength like a moth to a flame. 

And while this way of dating may seem old fashioned to some of you, the truth is that it’s not about being anti-feminist. It’s about women believing in their intrinsic value. That’s more sexy than just about anything!

Agree? Disagree? I want to hear your thoughts!

And if you want a sure fire way to turn around your online dating success, click here to read my FREE report, The #1 mistake you’re making in your online profile… and how to immediately turn it around.

xoxo

Sandy

Comments

3 Comments

  1. Sandy, I just had someone disappear after 3 dates, and I feel sad, hurt and disappointed. However, there were several red flags.

    A. He asked me out on second date so he left a message. I was not home, called the next day to say i was not available and give another time (in fact, I texted to say I got the message and would call that night. He waited two days to text me back. 36 hours. Felt yucky.

    B. on second date he said I was professional, but funny and lamented the lack of singles at his holloween party. All in all, the date was really fun.

    C. After second date, we emailed on the Monday, and he did not touch base with me all week. He had an art exhibit he was putting up, but still felt icky.

    D. I went to his art exhibit, saw him at the door of the small space. He did not try to come say hello to me at all. I left after 45 minutes resolved not to talk to him again. There was also another girl from the speedating event I had met him at there. I did not see him talk to her, but that felt really icky.

    E. he texted a sorry I did not talk to you text at 9:30 next morning, so I decide to forgive him. We spend afternoon together watching a sport event. Had a really nice time.

    Then I never hear back from him. And now all I can think was that he thought I was withholding, cold and unappreciative. Like I did something wrong because I was not all over him, had not yet had an opportunity to offer to pay, because he always grabbed the check, and we had only barely kissed on the mouth

  2. Just to clarify, I reached out before his event to say I wished him good luck. He responded right back. And, I always said thank you for opening door and the food, etc. I did not gush with compliments. I was not sure i was attracted on first date, but was very interested to test it out. I was really pissed after the event. All I wanted was a hello, talk to you later.

    Thoughts?

  3. Thanks for sharing your story of a disappearing man. In your case, this guy sounds like he could be a) not ready for a committed relationship and is dating casually or b) likes you but not sure how he feels. Or something else….

    It’s hard to know what really happened, because I don’t know either one of you. But what I do know is that it doesn’t matter why he disappeared; if he didn’t call you back because his phone fell in toilet or was stolen, or because he has mommy issues and can’t commit to women, or whether he went back to a friend with benefits. None of that matters. What matters is that if it’s not working out, you get to move on.

    What I don’t want you to do is think that it’s your fault. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. In fact, you were quite accommodating. You were kind enough to go to his gallery opening and support him.

    One thing I am sensing in your comment is your anxiety when you don’t hear from him right away. In order to date with dignity and self-respect, you will need to work through whatever is causing you to ruminate about why he isn’t calling back right away.

    He was busy getting ready for the gallery opening. The more anxious or annoyed you appear, the more needy you come across, and that’s not an attractive quality.

    If you’d like help working through that anxiety and want to learn how to be more magnetic and attractive to men, feel free to contact me at sandy@lastfirstdate.com. We can set up a complimentary 1/2 hour consult to see how I might be able to help.

    Remember that you are a treasure, and with the right skills, you will attract a quality good man.

    Your thoughts?

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