Why He Disappeared After One Date Part I

Posted by in dating after divorce, first date success, online dating after 40, single women over 40 | 6 comments

why he disappearedOnline dating can be a fantastic way to meet your match. It opens you up to a plethora of dating possibilities. It sure beats sitting around waiting for someone to set you up. You get to choose who you want to date. Sounds great, right? So, why is it so frustrating and difficult for so many? Some of the problems can be chalked up to the fact that people who date online can run the gamut from honest and trustworthy to lying ex-convicts!A client recently went out with a man whom she thought to be of excellent character. When he didn’t pursue her after a nice initial email exchange, she did something unusual by emailing again. And his response was out of the ordinary. He asked her out. And then he disappeared after one fabulous date. What went wrong?

My client gave me permission to share her email conversation with this man. Please read it carefully, and leave your comments below with why you think he might have disappeared.

As you’re reading, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. What did she say that worked well? Please cite examples.

2. Did she say anything that might have turned him off? Please be specific.

3. Do you think she could have said or done anything to salvage this relationship?


She: Hi! It looks like you are new to JDate (I just joined a week ago). You are quite the Renaissance man with a very full life – and the pride you take in your sons is heart-warming. Like every woman on this site, I am looking for a mensch with a great sense of humor. So while your inbox will be flooded, I am hoping that you will write back and give me the opportunity to show you what sets me apart. (And despite this display of confidence and assertiveness, I can assure you that my humor is usually self-deprecatory, too). Oh, and in case you were wondering, I live a half hour away from you. Have a great day.

He: Thank you for your kind and thoughtful message. I must confess that I find confidence and assertiveness — particularly when appropriately seasoned with humor — extremely alluring.

She: Alluring, hmmm. I guess you could call me alluring. I really like guys who are so perceptive. 

Where do we go from here? 

He: No response….

She: (5 days later) I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t hear back from you. I asked the advice of a friend how to respond to you and he fed me a couple of lines which really didn’t reflect who I truly am. 

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you well in your search. 

He: You are an incredibly thoughtful, kind, and down-to-earth — and alluring — person. You have the justified self-confidence to articulate your feelings with staggering honesty. You deserve every happiness you seek.

She: Thanks for the kind words. It’s just unfortunate that few men will even take a chance on a 5-minute phone call. I am definitely worth knowing – whether it be a love interest or a friend. But I am not naive – the competition among women online is fierce – and the younger women certainly have a leg up. Anyway, it was sweet of you to take the time to contact me and I sincerely hope you find love again. 

He: I wouldn’t be much of a mensch — humorous or otherwise — if I left things as they now are. Are you available to meet for dinner Friday night at whatever is your favorite restaurant in your neck of the woods?

She: Oh, no…. I really wasn’t trying to “guilt” you into an invitation. Honestly. 🙂 

I would gladly settle for the “5 minute phone call” but if you would like to get together, I would be happy to meet you somewhere in ****** which would be more convenient for you. It’s the least I can do for someone who is willing to go out on a limb. 

He: I’m a lawyer; I’m impervious to guilt. And I don’t mind going out on a limb plus 30 minutes, so please tell me the place at your end that you enjoy most and I’ll make an 8:15 PM reservation (and I’m paying and that is non-negotiable) and I’ll confirm after I do.

She: Wow! I like a take-charge guy. Cafe of Love in ******…? Let me know if that is OK and thanks so much! 

He: We have a reservation for two under my name on Friday at 7:45 pm (nothing was available between then and 9pm) at Cafe of Love (a far better choice, by the way, than Cafe of War, which I understand is not doing as well). See you there. 

She: Well, you have already demonstrated that you are a mensch to the nth degree – and humorous, too. Yeah, I heard Cafe of War is closing due to the excessive food fights. 

She (again): Please feel free to change the venue. I don’t want you to rush to meet me at 7:45. I would be happy to meet you anywhere at 8:15. Just let me know. 

He: I appreciate your thinking of me, but it will be fine. I often leave work at 5 on Fridays, and making the 5:34 that gets to ****** at 6:16 will be easy unless Mr. Softee intervenes. I will be out the door en route to ******* by 7 unless I stop to shave my legs, highlight my hair, or pick up a new outfit at Mandees, none of which I will do unless you insist. 

She was a little perplexed at some of the things he said in that last email (shave your legs?), but thought that the date went very well.

She said there was every indication that the guy was interested because:

(1) he told her that she looked much better in person.

(2) he was laughing all throughout dinner.

(3) when she mentioned that she was fortunate to have met guy friends from online dating sites, he said he hoped that wasn’t her intention with him.

(4) during dinner he actually stopped at one point and said, “I REALLY like you”.

(5) he asked her to take a walk after dinner.

(6) he told her he wanted to see her again when they parted and asked her to email him her contact info (he didn’t even know her last name or have her cellphone or home # or email address.)

(7) when she sent him the info in a cute email when she got home (and also used it as an opportunity to thank him again), his response was:

SUBJECT: I had a great time

You beat me to the punch.  But I knew you would.  You are an incredible person, and I did not want our evening to end.  I look forward to seeing you again.  For now, I leave you with a bedtime story that’s all about teachers, second chances, and what happens when good people connect.

She emailed back telling him how beautifully written it was and how much it moved her – and asked a simple “yes” or “no” question about it.

And he never wrote back to say “thank you”. Disappeared into thin air. What happened?

I want to hear what you think. I’ll give you my thoughts on Wednesday’s blog post.

Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts. I think this is a great learning experience. I hope you agree…






  1. He be playing the field. I thought she sounded a little overenthusiastic which might have scared him away. Unfortunately men do like to chase….

  2. Debbie. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree with you, but I’ll elaborate more on Wednesday… Stay tuned.

  3. “She” is my friend…please, YOU tell her…stop being so self-deprecating…she does have a sense of humor somewhere in there. She comes across as desperate and anxious and lonely (which she is, I suppose). She allows herself to be defined by her relationships. Skip the guys, get a vibrator, develop REAL personal interests that do not involve looking for prospective mates. Not just going to the gym because she’s afraid that no guy will like her “flabby” thighs (NOT). Until she sorts out who she is as a person, she’ll never be happy (and I’ve known her longer than you….)

  4. Shari, if ‘she’ is really your friend, I would hope that you can show her some compassion for how she has been allowing men to treat her. Punishing or shaming someone is destructive. Your friend is a wonderful person, and I know for a fact that she also has a life that’s filled with real personal interests, such as her involvement in culture and intellectual pursuits. She needs your support and kindness, not a reprimanding. If you truly care about her well-being, I hope you’ll show it through love, not shame.

  5. some friend. Wow. I certainly would never want to be yours. All of us have dating problems. You have to repeatedly, in private, gently, help her find herself. Not say things that are mean on a blog.

  6. Thank you for reminding this ‘friend’ about what true friends do to help each other.

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