Why Most Relationships Fail
Dr. Larry Waldman explains why most relationships fail. Turns out, we date backwards. Tune in to find out what this means…and more!
My podcast guest, Dr. Larry Waldman, spoke about why most relationships fail, and how to forge healthy relationships. He’s a clinical forensic psychologist who consults, teaches graduate counseling courses, speaks professionally on parenting and relationships, and writes articles and self-help books on those topics. His books include “Who’s Raising Whom?” “Coping with Your Adolescent;” “How Come I Love Him But Can’t Live with Him?” “The Graduate Course You Never Had;” “Too Busy Earning a Living to Make Your Fortune?” “Overcoming Your Negotiaphobia;” and his latest book, “Love Your Child More Than You Hate Your Ex: What Every Divorced Parent Needs to Know.”
In this episode of Last First Date Radio, you’ll learn:
- How you can love someone and not be able to live with them
- What it means to date backwards
- Why second marriages and most relationships fail
- How to argue effectively
- How to foster healthy relationships
Why Most Relationships Fail
How can you love someone but not be able to live with them?
It starts with the beginning of the relationship. We fall in love with love. The emotions take over. We get attached. Some of the other important factors in sustaining a relationship aren’t considered. As the infatuation fades, there are issues.
We couple too quickly. Move in too quickly. We don’t have sufficient time to vet a partner. Check their credit rating to learn how they manage money.
You say we form our relationships backwards. What do you mean by that?
There’s a pyramid that shows how relationships ought to be formed.
Start with similar values and interests, next how they manage distress, and how willing they are to compromise. At the top is passion. Unfortunately most people start with passion. The other stuff portends a long term relationship.
What is your definition of love?
Love causes a change in our brain chemistry. The world looks brighter, but we need to keep our senses as well. (Balance heart and head).
Why do you believe most relationships fail?
No relationship is perfect. Some have bigger deal breakers than others. Depending on how we were raised, many of us don’t have the skills to deal with these issues.
1. We see a concern and stuff it to avoid a fight. Sooner or later, we explode. 2. We can get aggressive, and we demean our partner, which causes defensiveness, self-protection, rather than doing what’s best for the relationship.
Why do second marriages fail at a substantially higher rate than first unions?
The same haste operates once again. Many who are ending first marriages already have a committed partner. When you’re vulnerable, and someone finds you attractive, you can rush into another relationship before learning about yourself. What’s important is identifying your role in the divorce, even if it’s just that you allowed some bad treatment.
What is constructive arguing?
What strengthens a relationship is our ability to manage our issues. I refer to them as bear traps. The mother-in-law calls, and the trap closes. It doesn’t end well. [Listen to learn how to argue constructively and help the relationship grow.]
How can we address our issues appropriately to help our relationships grow?
Make an appointment to talk.
Say something like, “I’m a little frustrated with _______. Can we meet after dinner to resolve _______ so both of us are okay with it.”
How can we foster a healthy relationship?
Money, sex, in laws, kids, can all be issues in a first marriage. In a second marriage, you have the same issues, but now they’re more complicated. Child support, spousal support, and negotiating the kids can all lead to complications.
First, select the right person by asking the right questions about the things that matter most. Learn how to fight right. Check their credit rating. Look at their family relationships. Go slowly, and don’t be risk averse. Focus on compromise. If we can work towards resolution, we can heal and have the best relationships.
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Connect with Larry Waldman
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