Why You Should Wait Before Having Sex

Posted by in communication skills in dating, dating in midlife, self-esteem in dating | 0 comments

wait before having sex

Have you ever had sex too early or too quickly? It often leaves you with anxiety or heartbreak. Slow it down and wait before having sex. Here’s why…

Here’s a typical scenario that I see over and over with my clients who are dating online: A man contacts a woman. He wants to know if she’s still sexually active and sensual at her age (50’s-70’s). He says that he’s waited to have sex in the past, and sex was bad. So, to save time and energy, he wants to sleep with her right away to see if they’re sexually compatible.

It’s kinda like reading the last page of the book before you’ve started the book. That’s not how relationships work. If you’ve ever jumped into sex too early in a relationship, you know what I’m talking about.

My radio guest, Maureen Ryan, spoke about Dating and Sex: Why They DON’T Go Hand in Hand. Maureen is a nurse practitioner, sex therapist, and sexual wellness counselor. In her private practice she treats individuals and couples with intimacy concerns and sexual dysfunctions. She has a Doctorate in Nursing Practice and is licensed as both an Adult Health Nurse Practitioner and a Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner.

Below, you can read highlights of our interview on why dating and sex do not go hand in hand

Why You Should Wait Before Having Sex

What are some of the benefits of waiting before having sex?

When people wait, they take the time to be intentional about what they want to create in the relationship. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, you have to trust. It takes time to build that bond and become more intimate.

Is it possible to have friends with benefits?

I don’t think so. If you have intercourse and you orgasm, you release oxytocin, and an attachment does form. When people have sex too early, it causes a lot of fear and insecurity. Will he call? Does he value me?

How long should people wait before having sex?

Be honest about your values and needs if you want to build a relationship that’s committed and long-term. You create what you want with your intention. Then, you can steer the relationship to what you want. For example, you can tell a man who’s rushing sex that your heart needs to be touched before having sex.

The male model for sex is linear and focused on the penis: kiss, hug, oral sex, orgasm, intercourse.

Slow things down and enjoy the sensual experience.

Many men learn about sex through porn, which is focused on friction, not heart. Women need to teach men who they want to be made love to. It’s much more rewarding and satisfying and connecting when men can slow down. They are opening men’s eyes to a whole new way of making love.

What do you believe are the ingredients for great sex?

A sense of presence, being in your body and feeling: touching, smelling, taste, not in your head but in your body. A sense of timelessness. That makes phenomenal sex. Women need to teach men what they want, what speaks to their heart, what turns them on.

Imagination fuels desire. So does anticipation. 

What are some simple steps people can take to become a better partner? You say its as easy as A PIE!

A for Attitude: what attitude are you showing up with? Open minded, non judgmental? We want to be accepting and non judgmental of ourselves and our partners.

P for Presence: Be fully present with your partner.

I for Intentional: Know what you want to create with your partner. Create the intention you desire and share it with your partner.

E for Encouragement: Tell your partner what you like. Don’t be afraid verbally or non-verbally. Say, “I love when you do that.” Encouragement fuels great sex!

Listen to the entire episode here.

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Photo: Flickr/www.flickr.com




  1. The #1 Mistake Men Make That Kills Their Success With Women | Better After 50 - […] believe that the biggest mistake men make that kills their success with women is to push for sex too…

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